WRAPPING UP 2010

On the last day of the year there is only one thing to do and that is to wrap up the year that was.

HIGHLIGHTS:

Running my first half marathon in under 2:30.
Being made permanent in my current job.
Buying our house in an area we love living in.
Finishing the year stronger than I had been for several months.

LOWLIGHTS:

My back injury and it's effect on my psyche, let alone how it affected my training.
Peter had a really tough year and I worried about him a lot.
Missing out on a personal development course that work had recommended me for.
My uncle died 4 days before my birthday.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNT:

I am not invincible. My back injury came out of the blue and debilitated me both physically and emotionally. It was back to basics for me to rehabilitate it and I have learnt unequivicobly that if I want to do what the average 40 something year old doesn't normally do, then I have to treat my body with care and respect. AND COMMIT TO IT. As I said, I am not invincible.

Today as I did my 1 hour 10 min training run in the very hilly streets of Sunshine Beach I was chugging slowly up a particularly fierce hill. Then I realized that I actually had more in me and I picked up my pace and broke into an almost run. "come on Magda, push it" was my mantra and I guess I haven't done too much of that in the latter part of 2010.

Here's to pushing it in 2011.

Cheers all and see you on the other side.

Magda

FLICKING THE SWITCH AND TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE

Last night I decided that it was time to flick the switch back to healthier eating and daily training or movement at least. Today has been a good day on that front.

Despite my hammies aching from a few days of slothing and not moving enough, I managed a 1 hour run to start the day. Luckily I was out running while the family had a big fry up brekkie. I could make myself scrambled eggs on wholemeal toast later and felt much better for it. As dinner approaches I find myself hungry which hasn't been the case over the last few days.

As for trying to stay positive ...... For crying out loud, ENOUGH RAIN ALREADY!!!! Although it eased up today, we still haven't seen any decent sunshine and keeping occupied is turning into a real challenge. My legs are seizing up from sitting around and reading all day.

Ok that's enough whinging now. It's holiday time so let's make the most of it.

Cheers

Magda

RAIN RAIN AND MORE RAIN

Yes life on the Sunshine COast is very soggy with rain falling 24/7. Today's run was cancelled due to the rain and I'm at the stage where lying around reading, doing crosswords, eating and drinking is getting boring. Oh and there's FB to amuse me a couple of times a day but quite frankly I'd rather be MOVING.

I think I've also had my fill of junky treat foods. I love Furry Roaches (Ferrero Rochers) but am even getting sick of those. And I think the 135 pieces of shortbread I've had is quite enough too. Last night I cooked a big batch of stir fried green veg as my body was screaming "vegetables please!" lunch at the Landsborough Pub today meant having a serve of the best chips in Australia so now that craving is satisfied I'm looking forward to some leaner, cleaner food choices.

Not sure what's on the agenda for tomorrow but hoping that I can get my next run in (1 hour) and then maybe get out a bit during the day. Funnily enough, I'm craving a really good coffee :-)

A QUICK CATCH UP

Oh my it's been a busy time.

We had Christmas with my family on the 19th. We hosted it and it was lovely. I then got a nasty sore throat but had to get through 2 more days at work. The running training got shelved in an attempt to survive the lead up to Christmas without getting sick.

We left for Queensland on the 22nd, drove a decent 1465 kms in 14 hours and 38 minutes on day one and cruised in the remaining 700 or so kms on the 2nd day. We're with my in laws now on the Sunshine Coast. It's been raining every day.

I've gotten back into my running but the first session after the drive was very painful. I barely managed a Cliff Young shuffle until I was well warmed up after about 20 minutes. Then stuck it out for 1 hour and 10 mins. I had a massage later that morning and felt great again. I can highly recommend metamassage.com.au for a great massage at a very reasonable price.

Christmas day was awesome. Lovely food. Wine enjoyed but not overdone (go me!) Lots of pressies. A wonderful family day.

Today it was sprint training to start with followed by a nice breakfast and then just a day of chilling out, playing board games, reading, watching DVDs, eating and drinking some more. It hasn't stopped raining yet which is a bit disappointing but we'll enjoy the other activities.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and are enjoying a bit of down time. I'm off to do a bit more reading before lunch time.

Cheers

Magda

# 7: FORGIVE. LET GO AND LOOK FORWARD

Yesterday I found the list of the 10 musings that I had started to write several weeks ago. 6 have been crossed off and I thought this was good time to tackle number 7.

How often have you been let down by somebody close to you, somebody you trusted or somebody you thought would have known better? How often have you let yourself down? People hurt other people all of the time. They often dont mean to do it and sometimes dont even realise that they've done it. Rarely are people downright malicious or nasty - well I like to think so anyway. We cant change how other people act but we can decide how we react to it. Read on.

What about those times when you let yourself down? Maybe you made a downright bad choice - although itseemed like a good idea at the time - maybe you didnt act in your own best interest. For me this has taken the form of binge eating. The party in my mouth vs the long term effect of ingesting WAY too much food which is also WAY too unhealthy.

In my quest to understand me and life and all the bits and pieces in between I have learnt that you cant move forward without forgiving the wrongs that fall upon you - or that you bring upon yourself. I have spent many  days / weeks / months flogging myself emotionally for all my mistakes. You know what I mean, "well why am I not perfect? I should be. I know all the right things to do so why dont I do them?" For a long time I lived with "perfect or nothing" and when it was "nothing" there was lot of beating myself up over it.

Maybe with age comes some wisdom (along with wrinkles and stubborn kilos in unwanted places LOL) and the courage to forgive myself for my stuff ups. I no longer aspire to perfection but live with balance in the choices I make. Sometimes the scales sit evenly, sometimes they tip too far in either direction but essentially they come back to a "happy place."

It hasnt been easy to let go and it certainly hasnt been like flicking a switch but gradually over time I have learnt this vital skill. Life is all that much better for it. Harbouring negative emotions is counter productive. For me it even manifests into physical pain and I can well do without more of that.

Our experiences, thoughts and beliefs shape who we are today but they dont dictate who we can be tomorrow. I'd like to think that I look forward with realistic optimism and determination to achieve my goals - even if the road to be travelled isnt always the most direct route. Who knows, along the way I might just smell some fantastic roses, meet some interesting people and broaden my horizons. Yep looking forward inspires and excites me. How does it make you feel?

M

LOVING MY LIFE

So how is everybody tracking? How am I tracking?

Firstly, CalKing did my head in within a day. Yep as soon as I was back on it I was obsessively weighing and measuring everything, then running upstairs to log it. A bit of all or nothing behaviour there but in all honesty I'm just not interested in going down that path.

I have decided to use Kerith's report which details food groups and recommends the number of serves, to map out a bit of an eating plan and just try to stick to that. Eg X serves of carbs a day, y serves of protein, get in my omega 3 fats, limit treats etc. This I know will keep me sane but "mindful" of what I eat so as not to overdo anything.

Well the silly festive season is upon us. Food wasnt too good this week which then turned into a bit of an "oh who cares?" mindset. Geez how easy is it to slip into that negative frame of mind?? It took a bit of an unusual jolt on Friday to shock me into stopping the feeding frenzy and allow things to level out again. Things are ok now and I totally understand how I got where I was, so will file that away into the "know better next time" armoury.

I had my last consult with the physio on Fiday and as long as I keep up my rehab and gradually increase my running load and intensity, all should be good. However yet again I must say how closely my back/glutes are connected to my psyche. When I wasnt in a good place on Saturday morning it was manifesting itself into a dull back ache. After a couple of days of poor eating, sure enough I had aches and pains that I've been without for several weeks. It is amazingly predictable and uncanny just how closely the two are linked and negativity in whatever form will for me manifest in some form of back ache.

But finally I rounded off my training week with a superb one hour run this morning. I decided to stride it out a bit and run at a slightly faster than usual pace and it felt good. After two days not running and feeling a little bit sorry for myself this was just the mini comeback I needed. 

Headspace great. Aches and pains under control. Ready to slay another huge week at work and loving my life :-)

M

NUTRITIONAL ASSESSMENT

Last week I completed a questionnaire where I detailed my usual lunches, breakfasts and dinners, my training activities both in frequency and intensity, the frequency at which I consume  a wide range of foods from all of the food groups (including alcohol and treats) and a little about my general health and of course what my goals are in terms of my nutrition. It was quite comprehensive and easy to complete bar that I have recently changed my eating habits to incorporate more vegetarian meals and of course I've been pretty committed to eating sugar free.

I sent this to a registered dietician for a nutritional assessment and for a nutritional plan to support my Half Marathon training, to lose a few kilos in order to reduce stress on my previously injured joints and muscles and to address a few minor health concerns.

I did this because I was honestly struggling with eating right for the training I was about to take on, in light of recent injuries and a burning desire "to get it right." I must confess that its taken me 3 years to break free from the body building diet mentality but had I swung too far the other way? It was time for some professional advice.

I received my reply yesterday and it surprised me (pleasantly!!). Firstly I respect the opinion of a registered dietician who advises the general public and is particularly experienced in endurance training, herself being an accomplished distance runner. I have no interest in going down the path of another body building diet where its all about protein. I'm a runner now and I need carbs (but I need the correct amount at the correct times).

I was pleased to be told that my baisc diet was healthy and quite balanced. I was meeting all of micronutrient needs (bar one) and I had a lot of good, healthy eating habits. Albeit my calories were generally low (thats the old diet menatlity hanging on) but if I consider my weekend eating I think they balance out. I particularly liked a few bits of advice such as:

"Up to 2 standard drinks per day, most days are ok if you're aiming to reduce your body fat."

"Your caffeine intake is not excessive and in fact is an ideal amount of caffeine considering the associated anti oxidant benefits ..." and the best one.....

"Make a time to enjoy a nice chocolate bar or an ice cream so you have a place for your weekly treat ..... After all, with all that training there needs to be some rewards."

There were some great tips for improving my diet and I'll be working to gradually implement them in a natural way rather than being a slave to a set of rules. The only bit that didnt thrill me was her advice to log my intake for a few days to see if I was actually eating as I'd reported and not underestimating my intake. (Admittedly this is a bit of a risk as just logging today and some of tomorrow had me gasping a bit at some of the foods I'm having - albeit not regularly). So for a few days I'm back on CalKing but rest assured its not becoming a permanent fixture in my life again.

I'll study her report further to help me absorb the myriad of information provided but all up I consider it money well spent. And its a normal, doable eating plan with no food groups banned and aimed at achieveing a healthy weight without comprimising your health or mental wellbeing.

POSTING IN BRIEF

Half Marathon Training: 2 sessions completed including another great 60 min run.

Nutrition assesment completed and waiting for the report and recommendations from Kerith

Work continues to be ridiculously busy but have kept my sanity intact.

Cant believe how close Christmas is and how much needs to be done before then.

M

MY PROLONGED WAFFLE

I apologise in advance for my long post but considering my absence lately due to a ridiculously busy workload leading up to Christmas, I feel entitled to this prolonged waffle.

If I write to headings you can skip the “care factor zero” bits LOL.

NAILING IT IN NOVEMBER:

Ok confession time. I wasn’t REALLY committed to this but overall I did ok. Melbourne Cup lunch was a disaster on the alcohol front – or a delight depending on how you look at it.  Personal computer time at work just about took care of itself and delaying the weight training was out of my control as my studio is still “under construction.” I plan to start strong in January.

CH CH CH CHANGES:

Yep some biggies to record here which I love as there is nothing worse than living your life flat line (hmm could be a catchy title for another post).

My running has been improving slowly and steadily and after much thought and deliberation I plunged in and have committed to another Half Marathon (Greenbelt) on 1 May 2011. I received my training program yesterday and dived straight in bringing Friday’s run forward so I could enjoy a much needed sleep in tomorrow (end of week treat). 50 min easy pace jog ticked off.

Last week I was reunited with an old lover. This lover had been a big part of my life until a few months ago. They had brought me happiness and pleasure and whilst our relationship wasn’t good for me, it made it all that much better. I missed them and thought about them often and felt the time had come to re-unite. So…..

I had a Diet Coke. OMG how delish was that!!?? Did I feel any different, any worse after? Nothing. Diet Coke, in moderation, is back on my menu.

On Sunday, after a 9+ week’s abstinence I also indulged in a small sweet treat as part of our family’s Thanksgiving celebration. Yes I had a small piece of pumpkin pie with a small scoop of Sara Lee vanilla ice cream. Very yummy but the next day I felt like a wrung out rag from tiredness and general feelings of being unwell. Not sure if it was a reaction to the sugar or totally unrelated but am back sugar free and feeling good again.

THE USUAL ROUND UP:

Diet: November didn’t start well. Melbourne Cup lunch with waaay too much champagne saw all sensible, healthy eating go out the window for a few days (Why is it SO hard to regroup after these occasions??!!) Fortunately I pulled myself back together and managed to finish strong with a focus on more vegetarian meals and more good carbs (more on this in a later post). Employing some portion control and running / walking consistently has seen me finish the month a smidge under my starting weight so I’m ok with that.

Training: well you already know that all is good on this front. Achieving the one hour run and nailing one at a faster pace had my confidence soaring, not to mention the endorphins flooding my body and taking me to cloud nine.

Headspace: Well the ups and downs continue but I’ve found a way to help myself in the short term and in the longer term as well. Will share more about this later although I will say that when you’re on a good thing and you know it works, stick to it and for this reason I’ve decided to go back to my SP for the coaching that I wanted. Yep it’ll be by phone but I’m ok with that as I know that I have a connection with her already and can confidently take things to the next level. I’ll be contacting her for a consult in January and then I can decide how often I’ll want to speak with her.

I guess I better wrap up there, if you’re still with me. For me December will be all about:

1. surviving work until the 21^st
2. completing my running training
3. getting my nutrition sorted out (or maybe defer to January so can relax with eating over the holiday period)
4. fitting in all of the Christmas preparations
5. then devoting myself to family, holidays and the Christmas spirit from the 22nd

Cheers all

Magda

THE COMEBACK

Well it's official. I've signed up with Pat Carroll to train for the 2011 Greenbelt Half to be held on 1 May. He knows what I've come thru and where Im at now and that I'm really keen to run another Half so we're going to start gently and then ramp it up next year.

I've given this a LOT of thought and have a 4 pronged plan of attack to give me the best chance of success.

STEP ONE: Engage Pat for a training program, accountability and encouragement / motivation when the going gets tough. This box is ticked and I should have my program any day now so I'm no longer in limbo thinking about it. It's time to DO.

STEP TWO: Keep my body as healthy as possible thru rehab exercises, physio visits, more regular massages and resting legs on non running days. Just accept that I'm no longer invincible and that lots of care and planning has to go into this.

STEP THREE: Eat like a runner and let go of the traditional body building diet. Fueling my body correctly for runs and recovery will be integral to my success and I want to get this right. So I'll be enlisting the help of Kerith Duncanson (affiliated with Pat) a registered dietician to help me lose a few kegs and have me in great shape for my training and race day.

STEP FOUR: Mental preparation. Never lose sight of my goal and the steps I need to take to achieve it. I've got some good tools up my sleeve and I'm developing more. I'm quietly confident that I'm gonna nail some stuff that I've been struggling with in the last few months.

This is a BIG thing for me. I was a one hit wonder at body building but the Halfs just feel 'so right'. I hope you stay with me thru this next phase in the journey of my life. I'm looking forward to it, that's for sure.

Magda

THE RUNNERS' HIGH

Today I did an hour run for the first time in several months. Psychologically I was ready for it. Physically I was ready too. I headed off of doing the uphill stretch first at an easy jog pace. All felt good. At the 40 minute mark and now on a downhill stretch, the endorphins kicked in. OMG I havent felt them for SO long and I'd almost forgotten how good they feel. I picked up my pace so that I was running. My pulse headed back up around the 90% of my max but I've built my fitness up to handle this. I was well fueled (thanks to a generous portion of carbs last night). There was no stopping me. I kept running for the remaining 20 minutes and then walked about 3 or 4 to get home.

I needed nothing more to put me into a fantastic frame of mind for the day. I have achieved my November goal and I feel great.

M

LETS CELEBRATE THE POSITIVES IN OUR LIVES

Tomorrow I will run for 1 hour for the first time in several months (well a few anyway). I know I can do it. I just hope I pull up ok afterwards as that is my risk period.

The hour run will be a big psychological milestone for me. It signals a positive return to a healthy and fit me with opportunities to achieve some more challenges. It excites me and that is a good feeling.

I have some great blogger (and real life friends) who, when I need it, throw some really good advice my way. Sometimes I need to hear things from an objective and non emotional viewpoint to realise how much sense they make. There will be some changes and some things implemented that I believe will improve my life further. Not ground breaking stuff but little steps in the right direction. And we all know that if you take enough little steps, you make progress.

I'm happy to put this week behind me. It hasnt been all bad but its really tested me and the lead up to my Christmas holidays will get busier with each passing day. I have NO time to suffer fools and I must remember what is important in my life and not neglect those things:

1. Being a good wife and mother. Having a happy family and knowing that the things I do for them make a positive difference.

2. My rehab. It might be boring. It might be a case of "oh I cant be bothered." But its gotta be done, at least once a day. This is the positive long term view and not the short term instant gratification thats too easy to fall into.

3. Regular training. Slothdom is draining and self esteem destroying. Deep down I know its not an option.

4. Eating healthy. A no-brainer. I could write a book about this one but I think you all know why this is so important so I wont blow on about it.

I havent been committed to my Nailing November goals but I havent swung madly the other way on them either. Today I completed 8 weeks of being sugar free. Its amazing what you can achieve when you put your mind to it. I'm loving the feeling of not throwing that junk (sugar) into my body. Today I started another human science experiment which I'll blog about later, if I keep it up.

But its now time to enjoy the weekend and love every moment that we are alive on this planet. Things could be a LOT worse so lets celebrate all the positives in our lives.

Cheers all

Magda

SURVIVING

Yesterday was a dreadful day.

I was stressed to the max over a work issue.

I was disappointed in myself, frustrated with myself and messages of "I'm a failure" were dominating my mind.

But I ate the (healthy) food I had brought in with me and .....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. I DID NOT BINGE. (Every cloud has a sliver lining)

GOING WITH THE FLOW

Today was a walk day so as not to overdo things and put myself a few steps back. Its encouraging to notice that when walking its hard to get my pulse rate into my training zone. I'm a bit of a dreamer when I walk and often forget to monitor my pace. Hence I end up going a bit slower and combine that with improved fitness and its not as effective a workout. Plus where I live its mainly flat with only a slight incline in one direction.

I'm religiously doing my rehab exercises which are taking up a considerable chunk of my morning time. However I know how important they are and so the time has to be invested. Normally I blow off stuff like that but not this time.

Food is once again pretty good. I'm not stressing about following any particular program or way of eating, having recently dabbled in some specific programs. I even dragged out my Tosca Reno Eat Clean Diet book which I think is pretty good and sensible. However there are few of her rules that I'm just not prepared to do: black coffee (blaaaah tried it and HATE IT); no alcohol (as if!!!! I love my wine and while I'm prepared to cut back how much I have, going cold turkey is not for me); plus packing a cooler bag every day reminds me of comp prep and I want to be more relaxed with my food. So yep she has good advice about healthy food but too many rules for my liking. So I've fallen into a bit of a go-with-the-flow approach and its feeling good.

MY OWN HUMAN SCIENCE EXPERIMENT AND MY NEXT BIG GOAL IS BREWING

I was only too glad to see the back of last week. In terms of my health, fitness and emotional wellbeing it was pretty disastrous on all fronts. What it did reinforce to me in no uncertain terms is the strong connection between mind and body. When I was in a bad place feeling depressed about my rejection and letting that snowball into an avalanche of other negative feelings and beliefs, ironically my back and glute area started to ache again. I had been virtually pain free just before that so it was pretty uncanny. Then to really ice the cake, so to speak, some rubbish eating just made it all worse and voila I'm now working hard to reverse those bad decisions and actions. Lesson learnt? I'd like to think so but there are no guarantees.

Fortunately over the weekend the tides turned and my mood and attitude lifted back to their normal positive places. It was like a breath of fresh spring air slowly blowing through and taking with it the badness of the week before. I didnt run as much as I would have liked but this was because I had a catch up with the lovely Miss Kerry on Saturday (and might I say she looks so HOT after competing recently at both the state and national levels) and then another friend and her kids on Sunday. I do love being a social butterfly and especially as I hadnt seen Kerry for a good heart to heart for so long.

Monday started well and I nailed a 55 minute run and pulled up ok. I backed it up with another 55 today which may not have been the best idea as I pulled up sore and nervous about just how long I can run and still manage the after effects. Its a bit of trial and error at the moment and I'm almost my own human science experiment which I quite enjoy. I've learnt so much since my injury ruled out any running and now I'm playing with what I know and what I do to manage the injury. I liken it to cooking where I have a recipe but I need to adjust the seasonings and some of the ingredients to suit my tastes. I hope the end product is tasty and just right.

Time will tell if I nail it and then look out as I have a big goal brewing. Its hellishly scary, yet exciting too and I'm praying that my stars and planets align and I can pull it off. The fact that I cant stop thinking about it suggests that I really want it but it would be premature to come out about it just yet.

So cruising for now and still pondering the coaching but mindful that it needs to fit around what may be my driving force over the coming months should I take the leap and commit to my goal.

Cheers for now

Magda

A WANTED AD - ALMOST

Maybe I read too much into things?

Maybe I over-analyse?

Maybe I expect too much?

Sometimes you have to think right out of the square and move out of your comfort zone to make the difficult changes. Sometimes you have to admit that you are not an island and you need help.

For several weeks I have been mulling over a decision to work with a mentor / coach. Somebody to help me get the headspace right and teach me how to manage things when it goes haywire. I have a specific list of criteria in what I want AND dont want. Its been a tough search to find the ideal fit but I think I've narrowed it down to 3 options - all VERY different from each other.

My quest continues.

NO PROGRESS IN NOVEMBER

Yeah my headspace is just WRONG. I cant stay focussed or committed. Getting sick of this cycle that keeps repeating itself. I know its up to me but .......

Am I looking in the wrong place? for the wrong thing?

A NEW COMMITMENT

Today I was struck with yet another aha moment (I don't get too many powerful ones but today's was the real mckoy). It's time to make a new commitment as I have done previously when I decided to ditch artificial sweeteners and more recently, sugar. Both of those decisions have helped me in my quest to ditch binge eating or to moderate it's intensity if it does hit. So now it's time to up the ante.

I have really struggled these last few days, battling feelings of not being good enough, being rejected and letting down my employer. I've sought comfort in food which has resulted in too much mindless eating even though I know it's not the answer. So it dawned on me today that there was now another behavior or habit that I had to change to help me get on top of the mindless eating.

I WILL STOP EATING AT MY DESK.I worked out that about 80 percent of my mindless eating is done at my desk in response to feeling stressed, frustrated and sometimes bored. Whilst I know I'm not addressing the cause of the problem (that's a whole other post) I can change my physical circumstances to my reaction. So my new quest and Nailing it in November goal is to not consume food at my desk. Coffee and drinks are ok but not food. I'll eat my lunch in a different spot and snacks too if I need them but NO MORE FOOD AT MY DESK. First goal is to complete one week.

I JUST WANT TO SAY .....

..... a week ago I updated my FB status with "Sometimes life serves you a big bowl of premium ice cream in your favourite flavour with a big fat juicy cherry on top."  This referred to a new project that I started at work and although it was going to be make life REALLY busy, I loved the new challenge.

I really smartened up my act and leaned down a bit for the masquerade ball last weekend. Hence I was quietly proud to put my photos "out there" and thank you to all the bloggers who left me some really lovely comments. (More on that a little later.)

I must admit though that this week has been really tough and not so positive (refer FB post from last night.) Let me explain.

Work had recommended me for a very popular and difficult to get into personal development / leadership course that our department sponsors and therefore (inadvertently ) gets an applicant in every year. I submitted my application earlier this year and was interviewed a few weeks ago. A few people at work knew that I was the "next candidate" and everybody was really excited for me because "it was such a great opportunity" and "I'd get so much out of it."

Well yesterday I received a letter telling me I hadnt been accepted. I was devastated. I wasnt good enough. They had assessed me and decided that I didnt have leadership potential. People doing the course or who had done it previously all said for the interview "Just be yourself. Be genuine." So I was and it didnt get me through. I now hold the honour of the first person from our department to not make the cut. There are SO many negative things going through my head on SO many levels :-(

This is really hard to write and I'm crying (again) as I do so. I've tried hard to focus on my new project so that I deliver it well no matter how much work it takes (and trust me its taking a LOT of extra work). Sadly I havent been as focussed on my health and fitness goals BUT its only been one day.

So this weekend I will regroup and refocus on what I need to do for ME. I know that from now til Christmas my worklife will be extraordinarily busy and demanding so taking the best possible care of me is imperative. And on that note, I cant thank enough those bloggers who left comments on my photos. Pip you have lifted my spirits and made me shed "happy tears" with your lovely comments. Thank you SO MUCH.

Its way too late for me to be up now so I'm off and not sure when I can post again but hopefully my next instalment of Magda's Musings can go up soon.

M

OCTOBER REPORT AND NAILING IT IN NOVEMBER

Apologies for those who dont like long posts but I'll write this one in two chapters (but in one post).

OCTOBER REPORT

All year I've done a monthly report on how I've gone with my diet, training and weight management. I skipped September as there was NOTHING positive to report and I didnt want to talk about my incredible leap backwards on all of those fronts. But in the last week of September I woke up to the fact that I had slipped seriously behind and changing that was totally up to me. There was no point whinging about it, wondering what had happened or thinking about a myriad of options to rectify the situation. IT WAS TIME FOR ACTION.

I put some mini goals in place and realised that it was time to suck it up and ramp up the discipline and consistency if I was going to greet Christmas at a happy weight and not a baby hippo weight. So here is what I've achieved:

DIET / WEIGHT:

In fairness I must point out this has been a 5 week period including the last week of September. My weight loss has been 6 kilos. I had a great drop early and quickly (normal for me) and then a levelling out and even a bit of a rise before I tightened things up for a few days and the sacles moved down again.

As I write this today, I have been sugar free for 39 days. Again not strictly so as I still drink wine or champagne, have a skim cappuccino every day and have foods with natural sugars or traces of sugar. But the big difference has been abolishing cakes, biscuits, ice cream, chocolates, lollies etc. In fact I also havent eaten artificial sweetener for several months now so on that front I'm doing really well.

Has October been binge free? Well in all honesty maybe not 100% but on the 2 or 3 occassions when I overate I would rate the episodes less than 5 on the Richter (Binge) Scale whereas previous binges would rate around the 8 or 9 so I feel good about that improvement. What a difference it makes when sugar is off the menu. For many months now I've continued to struggle with binge eating so to report this is a big leap forward for me :-)

TRAINING:

My "back and all associated muscles" injury had really knocked me for a 6. For weeks I lived with constant pain that was debilitating at times, leaving me depressed and uncertain of what the future could hold for me. From late last year to April of this year I had identified myself as a distance runner and I felt comfortable with that label and that lifestyle. Its like I had found my groove and was building a lifestyle with that as my foundation.

After moping for weeks about my situation I took Liz's advice and found a good physio who has helped me immensely. I have been disciplined and consistent with my rehab exercises and they are paying off even though there were times when I wondered if they were helping at all. I have slowly built up my running times to 40 minutes / session now, taking care to not overdo it by thinking I was invincible and could go from 0 to 100 in no time flat.

Over the coming weeks I'll build up to an hour run by the end of October, after which the possibilities are exciting. But slow and steady continues to be my mantra even to the point of generally running 2 days on and then 1 day off. I know where I want to get but sprinting to my destination is not the best option.

I do Zumba once a week for fun as opposed to it being an excellent workout. My studio is under construction and around mid November I'll be hitting the weights again for upper body work (more on that below.) Then I can work towards my goal of having a nice lean and toned upper body to match my runner's legs LOL.

HEAD SPACE:

I've come to realise that no 4 week period is all smooth sailing. There are rough seas, then calm seas, then rough again. Its called LIFE and you have to roll with it. I'm getting better at this. Previously when things got bad, I'd over-react and think they were REALLY bad but in actual fact they were a bit bad, but they didnt stay that way for long.

I do still have some struggles with the Metal Monster when I'm wanting to lose weight but on that front too, I'm handling things better. As long as the numbers dont send me loopy then thats a good thing LOL.

NAILING IT IN NOVEMBER

A lot of bloggers have jumped onto the "Nailing it in November" quest initiated by Liz. (Sorry, too lazy to link, but you know what I mean.) When I first read about it I couldnt think of anything I wanted "to nail" because overall I was happy with things but since then I've thought of the following and would like to be late entry.

1. NO mindless drinking of alcohol. I know what this means for me without stating rules and restrictions. (Today excepted. Tomorrow will be a much better day.)

2. No delaying getting back into weight training when my studio is functional. Its well known that I'm a Cardio Queen and that getting up close and personal with the iron will require a concerted effort from me.

3. No more than 15 minutes / day spent on personal internet use at work (lunch time excluded.) Yep no more hopping on to catch up on blogs (mine or others) or FB.

So thats it from me for now even though I have a lot more that I want to write but it'll have to wait.

G'night

Magda

ITS NOT OFTEN THAT I GET TO FROCK UP

Here I am frocked up for a ball on Saturday night. I luuuurve getting dressed up and I must admit that I felt pretty fantastic considering where I was 5 weeks ago. I might not be bikini material (now) but this isnt bad considering I'm close to 50 and have been severely restricted in what / how I can train.

I forgot to mention that it was a masquerade ball. A complete stranger complimented me on my dress (bought in a quirky little shop in The Rocks in Sydney many years ago) lifting my spirits even further :-)



A friend leant me this gorgeous hat for MC day. I felt soooo good in it. I was on my way to lunch with work friends / colleagues and I felt like a million bucks (shame I didnt get a pic of my dress which was quite stunning).

35 DAYS - THATS 5 WEEKS .... SUGAR FREE .....

.... WOOHOO!!!

What a difference its made to how I eat, how I feel and what the scales say.

October round up will be a beauty after September being so poor I couldnt bring myself to write about it. Stay tuned folks.

:-) M

FORGIVE. LET GO. AND LOOK FORWARD.

Well lets get back to my series of Magda's Musings with the next instalment: FORGIVE. LET GO. AND MOVE FORWARD.

When I worked with my SP last year, one of the most enlightening things I learnt was how my very high standards and expectations of myself were sabotaging my progress in weight / fat loss. Let me explain.

I was a chronic dieter, following various rigid and strict diets and always expecting that I'd do so to 100%. Yes I was in pursuit of perfection and when I didnt achieve it (which was inevitable) I would really beat myself up over it and convince myself that I was a failure. It was a vicious cycle that was really hard to break.

I worked with the SP to gain a more realistic and achievable outlook and to find a happier middle ground. Once I realised how important this was, I really committed to it. I'll never forget the conversations I had with Maddie where I'd be fretting over a particularly bad eating episode for which I had to beat myself up. She would constantly remind me "its just food." It took a while for this to make sense but now it does.

I'm wiser now. I have bad eating episodes like a lot of other people do (they jusy may not be as open about it). But instead of beating myself up and telling myself how bad or worthless I am, I've learnt to forgive, let it go and move forward. Its not always easy but my experience is showing that when I treat myself with love, compassion and kindness I'm more likely to act positively and to (obviously) feel better. This then leads to more positive behaviours and voila, that negative, downward spiral is no longer ruling my life.

Look its not the be all and end all but I believe it makes a big difference and I therefore focus on it if/when those bad eating episodes hit. Hopefully, over time they will get less and less.

Once again, I welcome your thoughts and comments.

OPERATION RETURN TO RUNNING - PHASE 2

GOAL # 1


By 24 October I plan to be running for 30 minutes at a time. - TICK

I wrote this on Friday 24 September all fired up and ready to blitz the fitness and running world that I was desperate to be a part of again. Yes I have achieved this goal and I feel really good about it. Onwards and upwards from here I hope.

In that post I also mentioned that I had some personal goals that I didnt blog about (because they were to do with my weight). Well I got off to a blitzing start with a heap of weight dropping very quickly and then even though I thought very little changed, the weight loss started to go the other way. Now on the outside I wanted to be a big girl about it and just get on with what I knew I had to do but life is never that simple or straight forward because we - WELL I - have to make it harder.

So yep there was a day of comfort eating with a bit of the "oh whats the point" mentality taking over. This was balanced with some good eating again and then a bit more comfort eating today - after all, I was suffering through the housework. But realistically I know that the glass is still pretty much half full. Why?

Beacuse I havent touched any sugar. Previously, comfort eating, emotional eating , binging - whatever you want to call it - would involve huge quantities of sugary foods and I would spiral out of control until I felt sick and overstuffed from all of the sugary junk. Whereas now, I'm overfull but its taken much less to get me to this state.

I have decided to refocus on my Operation Return to Running and ramp things up a bit so that I keep improving. I have some additional rehab exercises and the ones I've been doing for a few weeks now seem to be working. I love being under the guidance of my physio as she is VERY specific about what exercises I do and why. Now to just get the fat melting off again so that running becomes more of a pleasure and I can reap all of the benefits it provides.

I have a plan for the next four weeks Operation Return to Running - Phase 2 involving some nutrition and training daily targets. I'm writing about the mental side in my next post. I want to see some results and they arent going to happen without a decent effort. I'm not keen to weigh again but I'll have to suck it up and just get the fuck on with it :-)

30 DAYS SUGAR FREE

Well hard to believe that another weekend has drawn to a close. My they disappear in the blink of an eye.

On Friday night I went to dinner with the school mums. It was a great night with lots of chatter about everything imaginable. I dont get along to many social functions due to work commitments but when I can, I love it.

Saturday was very busy. Ignoring that I was on a tight timeline, I headed out for a 35 minute jog with 25 minutes walking added to it. Fantastic effort and so far all good with the jogging. Then I prepared for a family dinner that night. I made a fudgy chocolate cake for dessert (YUK - absolutely no desire to have any myself) and Peter webered a boned leg of lamb (marinated Greek style - olive oil, lemon juice, garlic and black pepper) and some spinach and mushroom stuffed chicken thigh fillets. I did a tray of roast potatoes and steamed some veges and voila - dinner for 9 no problems.

Unfortunately our boy had a pesky bout of diarrhea overnight necessitating my help to clean up the pooey mess he managed to get himself into. Subsequently I had a sleep in this morning and then got stuck into the domestic chores  :-(

Finally I have clocked up 30 days sugar free - if you dont count a little bit of BBQ sauce, chocloate sprinkle on my cappuccino and the sugar in a salad dressing I used previously. All small amounts that I'm not the least bit stressed over. This has made the world of difference to my whole psyche because I have to admit that since Thursday I have struggled to keep my nutrition tight and have overeaten on a couple of occassions. But because I havent fallen into the sugar trap I've managed a better level of control than on previous occassions.

I think I have some evaluating to do soon based on goals set about 4 weeks ago. Time to look back at what I said and how I've fared. Stay tuned folks.

M

THE GAME OF SILLY BUGGERS

This week the MM has decided to play Silly Buggers and reward my hard work with a 1/2 kilo gain. I shake my head bemused at its inconsistency but deep down I know that this is quite normal for me. I lose weight drastically and easily in the first couple of weeks and then it screams to a halt and hovers.

Whilst I have enjoyed some foods that dont qualify as "diet foods" I know they have been in very moderate quantities and have been balanced with lots of lean and clean meals as well. Plus I have walked / walk/jogged or done Zumba consistently so I will persevere and just wait for those numbers to head downwards.

Mind you I'd be lying if I pretended that I still felt great but thats life and I'm determined to deal with this like a big girl and not eat my body weight in junk food "to make me feel better." I guess this is where you no longer feed off motivation but dig deep and just do what needs doing to get the job done.

So to finish on a happy and positive note, I'm at 26 days sugar free (feel GREAT about that!!) and today I did my first continuous run (well Cliff Young Shuffle actually) for 30 minutes. I was sore to start with but the pain eased and I felt ok for most of the run from then on. I hope this is a big leap in my road to recovery and that its all uphill from here.

:-) Magda

TRUST YOURSELF FIRST, OTHERS SECOND

Hi and welcome to the next instalment in my series of "Magda's Musings." Again this one is very dear to me and I'll explain why. I'm sure many of you will understand.

Over the course of my life I have followed a squillion diets ranging from the sound and sensible to the ridiculous and dangerous. Sometimes I did just wing it on my own but there were many times when I was guided by a program (eg Weight Watchers / various trainers / diet consultants etc). Along the way I learnt a lot about what works, what doesnt, what suits me and what doesnt. What I hadnt mastered though was applying my knowledge consistently in order to lose my excess weight and keep it off. That was my biggest challenge and one that I'm still working on.

However I'm approaching it differently this time. I have decided to take ownership of my eating choices and decisions. From now on (well last year actually) I decide what I'm going to eat or not eat. I'm no longer participating in any set diet plan where I'm limited to x, y or z and a,b and c are definitely off limits. I'm not reporting in to anybody for praise or a telling off because I was "good" or I was "bad." I am what I am and I'll accept responsibility for it.

I have committed to trusting myself to get this eating thing right. I'm setting my own unwritten rules, or rather a set of guidelines that I'm happy to live with. It boils down to me working out whats best for me and what I'm happy to live with. So my plan has to allow for wine on the weekends, a daily skim cappuccino and the flexibility to eat out regularly and enjoy the food rather than stressing about whether it fits into the plan that so and so has prescribed for me. 

So in effect, I'm taking all that I've learnt from a range of people and situations and making it my own, or trusting myself first. Finally I acknowledge that others can be a great help and support and some people will need that but I'm convinced there is no magical diet plan that so and so has that is the answer for me.

What are your thoughts? Is this a liberating way to eat or is it fraught with danger because it doesnt have clearly defined limits and boundaries?

Next instalment: FORGIVE. LET GO. AND LOOK FORWARD.

TICKING OFF A GOAL ACHIEVED

In a little while I shall go to bed knowing that I have completed 21 days being almost 100% sugar free. I say almost because I've still had the chocolate sprinkle on my cappuccinos and small amounts of salad dressing with sugar in it but this is nothing compared to the sugar consumption associated with a binging episode. (I wont scare you with those details LOL).

I'm so happy and proud that I did it as lately I have succumbed to more binges than I like to admit to. This has been a real turning point for me. A step that says "hey I can manage my eating to focus on my good, healthy habits and learn to control my less healthy and negative habits."

At the end of the day its all about balance. There is give. There is take. There is discipline and making good choices. There is investing wisely in treats, keeping moderation in the front of my mind (not as easily done as said, in my case).

So what will tomorrow and the rest of next week bring? I'm not sure at this stage but I know how good I feel and I know I want to keep feeling this way. So bring on the weekend and lets see how it pans out with this new sense of self that I have claimed.

:-) M

THERE IS ONE KEY QUESTION. THE ANSWER WILL TAKE YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

To me this is the most important factor in dealing with my eating behaviours and habits. It has rescued me many a time and helped to set me back on a path that I’m happy to travel.

When I was binging a lot and feeling out of control and desperate I was in a really unhappy place. Sure on the surface everything was great and I often wrote about what a good life I had, but that deep internal happiness eluded me. I was living my life in a way that I didn’t want to live it and it bugged me for a long time.

Eventually I realised that I needed help to get myself sorted out. It seemed like I had all the tools for doing that but my shed was so messy that I didn’t know where to start, which tool to use and where it was amongst the mess. This post isn’t about my sessions with the Sports Psyche (Maddie) as I’ve written about that a lot in my other blog (Running for my Life). What it is about is the key lesson I learnt in my sessions with Maddie.

When all was said and done and I had an understanding of myself, what my destructive thought patterns were and how to correct them, there was one key element underpinning it all and that was the question; “How do I want to live my life?”

So when I had a relapse (because understanding and knowing does not guarantee doing) I would take stock and ask myself that question “How do I want to live my life?” Did I want to live it being a slave to a restrictive diet? Did I want to live it in fear of when my next out of control binge would hit? Did I want to dread the Metal Monster knowing that it was cold hard proof of all my failings? Or did I want to be the one in control by making good dietary choices, knowing that one piece of cake didn’t have to turn into three or more, knowing that I had it in me to eat mindfully and maintain a reasonable weight?

Yes it was that question and the answers within me that set me back on my happy path where sanity and calm prevailed. I can’t stress enough how important this one factor has been. There is only one thing to add which seals this equation for me. Maddie sent me away with one last message which was “Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right”.

  

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

So what do I mean by “get out of your head?” Firstly lets look at why you get in your head, what you do there and what effect it has. Is it a bad thing, or a good thing, this being in your head?

Sometimes being in your head is a good thing so that’s not the time to get out of it. For example you may be experimenting with different training methods or approaches to nutrition, or just new ways to achieve some of your goals. Eventually you’ll need to get into your head to evaluate whether your new approach is working, or not. Your head may also be reminding you that when you did X, Y happened instead of the desired Z. Again, this is a good thing. Past experience is valuable in making future decisions ….. but being open to new and different possibilities is even better.

Voices in our heads can be good or they can be bad (just ask Kek). Good voices will spur us on to give our best when our spirit is less than willing. Good voices will remind us that choosing a burger, fries and milkshake for lunch will not help us to feel good in the afternoon. Listen to those voices for they are right.

So when should you get out of your head? Well here is a classic time. The alarm has gone off nice and early like usual. You struggle awake and the voices kick in immediately “its cold outside, you’d be better off staying in bed”, or “you got up yesterday so take a break today”, or “your legs are tired so you’d be quite justified to rest them today.”  Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. Don’t listen to them. Get out of your head. Get out of bed and TRAIN.

Every now and then (and sometimes more often) I get in my head and have the most negative, put me down conversations with myself. Stuff like “I have NEVER been able to maintain a lean physique so what makes this time different?” or “I’ve been a binge eater just about all my life, how can I possibly change now?” or … well just imagine a myriad of negative diatribe playing constantly. Aaaargh I know that I have to get out of my head then.

Finally, do you ever over-analyse stuff? I’m guilty of this and it never produces a good result. I over analyse what I did wrong, even though its too late to change it. I over analyse what I can do to “make it right”, obsessing about the minutiae of all the options for a solution. I fret about should I do X or should I do Y? Inevitably I make a choice or decision from a jumbled and stressed mind so its usually not the best option for me.

Its at those times that I must focus on getting out of my head, letting my mind calm down and letting peace envelop me. The way forward is deep within me, I just have to relax and let it surface. And then I know that everything will be ok.

Can you relate or is being in your head a happy and positive place for you?

I DIGRESS

.... from my "Magda's Musings" posts which I will return to very shortly. I just want to share a little of what I've been up to on the health and fitness front.

SUGAR FREE for 18 days now and looking solid to nail the 21 days. In fact I KNOW I'll nail it because I have decided so. I'm actually believing now that the less sugar you eat, the less you crave. I'm not having any mad desires for cakes or biscuits even though they are normally some of my favourite foods. Whether I go beyond 21 days, I'll play that by ear when the time comes. I just know that I like how I'm feeling :-)

WALK / JOG training is back in my schedule and so far, so good. I am taking it easy to test the waters and not go 110% effort on the take off and possibly put myself back several steps. So its all pretty cruisy now but I'm loving the higher intensity of the jog intervals and the higher pulse rate and calorie burn :-) I've completed 2 walk/jogs, will only walk tomorrow and then do another walk/jog on Thursday. Although I'm not yet pain free from my recent back injury, I've decided that waiting for the holy grail is not how I want to live my life so its time to move out of my comfort zone and test the waters.

ZUMBA is a new fitness craze that has many people raving about it. A girl I work with was doing a weekly class (on top of her regular exercise) and then she gave it up. When I asked why, her response was "I had to, I was losing too much weight." Well, hearing that I couldnt get there fast enough LOL. But in fact I had to wait several weeks for my back to improve. Yet again I had reached my limit on waiting to be pain free so last night Miss R and I headed off to a local class to shake and shimmy our tooshies for an hour to some of the best music and atmosphere I've enjoyed for a while. It was a lot of fun and not overly taxing on the brain. It was a fairly good workout (not as good as my walk/jogs) but not as intense as some had reported it to be. Maybe they are pretty unfit or maybe they are better dancers and move more than I did. Who knows? I'm sticking with it for the fun and soicial factor and also because any movement is better than an evening chained to Facebook and blogging.

WEIGHT is coming down nicely with a smidge away from 5kgs lost in a relatively short time. Cant complain about that when I'm still enjoying wine, skim cappuccinos, pizza for dinner at my parents' place tonight and some lovely meals out. I guess it just goes to prove that if you eat moderate serves of mainly lean and healthy foods, keep your treats under control and get in a moderate amount of exercise on most days, the Metal Monster will become your Metal Mate (although that doesnt sound nearly as catchy).

So thats me in a pretty good place both physically and mentally and working towards staying here as long as possible.

Next post will be GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD so stay tuned in the next few days.

BACK TO WORK TOMORROW

Tomorrow I go back to work after a week off. Boohoo. I love my job and the people I work with but there are some massive benefits from being on holidays:

1. I spend a lot of time with my son :-)
2. I eat less than usual.
3. I move more than usual.
4. I'm in a happier and more relaxed headspace.
5. I get so much more done around the house without cramming it in the few hours I have in the evening.

Maybe God will look down kindly on me next Saturday and send a nice big lotto win my way.

..... or maybe he wont.

M

TO THE POINT WEEK 2

Sugar free for 14 days. It hasnt always been easy with a few cravings for a cake or biscuit with coffee but the cravings passed (like Raechelle said they would) and I stayed true to my goal.

Eating has been good with mainly 3 meals a day due to being on holidays and the usual work routine being thrown out the window. I've eaten out more often but have generally made good choices. Must admit though that my wine consumption has been higher than I would have liked but there is, in part a special reason for that .....

.... I became an aunty this week and now have a beautiful little neice :-)

I've completed 6 walks all at least 40 minutes. Rehab work not quite as good as last week but still doing it on most days.

Not sure if I've lost any weight this week but I know that I've ticked most of my boxes and feel good about it all. By all accounts, next week will be better as I cut back a bit on the wine. I'm also planning to start doing some walk / jogs to test the waters. Oh and Miss R and I will be Zumbaing on Monday nights. Woohoo, cant wait.

Good night all

M

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Welcome to the next instalment in what I might call "Magda's Musings." This one is KEEP IT SIMPLE.

I must admit, whilst the first couple flowed out quite easily, I'm finding this one a little harder to write. Keep it simple. Keep WHAT simple?

Keep your eating simple? Keep your training simple? Maybe keep your life simple or your thoughts / dreams simple? Aaaargh there are so many options.

I think for me the answer is a blend of all of the above. Or the motto - "the simpler the better."

On the eating front this might mean simple food - unprocessed, like it grows in nature, quick healthy meals (I have no MasterChef aspirations), eating when you're hungry and not analysing everything to the nth degree. Simple eating is good, stress-free eating which leads onto simple thoughts.

If you're not stressing about every morsel to pass your lips (eg too many carbs, too much fat ) and consulting CalorieKing before you consume it, then thoughts can be a lot simpler. And a lot calmer. Food can be enjoyed, like it was meant to be (just ask an Italian or a French person).

For me, simple thoughts also mean not agonising over the scales too much by calculating how much weight I can lose by when if I do such and such. The scales are no longer an enemy but its taken me a long time to put them into perspective.

Keeping life simple is a challenge that few will master I'm sure. Unfortunately devoting myself wholeheartedly to an earthmother existence where I'm at one with the planet, the universe and my soul is never going to happen and I'm ok with that. I actually like my busy life and know that a wonderful catch up with precious friends is but a phone call away and then I feel happy and grounded yet again.

Whether I like it or not, I have no option now but to keep my training simple. My weight training facility is temporarily out of service. Should all be up and running again around the middle of November (I hope). I am limited to walking daily but I know that introducing some easy jogging is not far off. So I dont stress. I do what I can knowing its better than nothing and is not a permanent restriction. Before long i'll be soaring to new heights, I'm sure.

So there you have my thoughts on the simple stuff that matters to me and how it helps me to lead a healthy lifestyle. Do you have anything to add? Do you agree? Or is my viewpoint too simplistic?

Magda

TO THE POINT

Sugar free for 8 days now.

Ate mostly healthy meals all week. Enjoyed a skim cappuccino and some wine on most days. Employed moderation.

Completed 7 walks of at least 40 mins each. Rehab exercises done to about 80% compliance.

Scale drop for the week: 4 kgs (AWESOME!!!)

Overall I finished the month about .5 or .6 of a kilo higher than I started it. Great result considering the shitty week I had 2 weeks ago and how much crap I ate then.

Still focussed on FINISHING STRONG!

WEEK TWO GOALS:

1. Keep up good eating habits - despite being on holidays for the week.
2. Introduce walk / jog training.
3. Rehabs daily as required.
4. Maintain positive headset.

Today marked 12 weeks to Christmas Day, time enough to shed some fatty bits, get fitter and feel better.

LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE GREY

Hi and welcome to my second instalment LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE GREY. This one is particularly relevant and important to me.

First off let me explain where this post comes from and more accurately, where I've come from.

In the past I have viewed my eating behaviour as pretty black and white. This perception was with me from an early age as I struggled with my weight throughout my teens. I remember a very kind and caring GP telling me a long time ago that "it didnt have to be all or nothing." To be honest, back then I didnt know what he meant by that.

30 years on and I know EXACTLY what he meant but I still have black and white moments - sometimes weeks (but I'm working on that.).

So here is what black is for me. Its falling into a binging state where one bite is too many and a thousand are not enough. Its eating for the sake of oral pleasure and never registering "enough". Its letting the food take control and rendering myself powerless. With these come a lot of black feelings and thoughts. Its not nice. Black is also being totally obsessive about dieting. Not just following an eating plan but obsessing over it by weighing everything, recording everything, analysing everything and "oh my god I cant eat that because I havent weighed it or measured it and maybe the person who prepared it used oil or butter .....". Yep I've been there too and again its a bloody depressing existence.

Then you have the opposite ... white. White is just the opposite end of that spectrum but with a whole different set of pitfalls. Being "saintly" with food but then not being able to maintain it. Convincing myself that I'm a failure when I fall off the "saintly" pedestal and "Oh look I'm back in the black."

But between the black and the white there is a large patch of grey where balance, sanity and happiness live. In that grey there is eating healthy food most of the time but enjoying treats in moderation. There is also a way to eat with some discipline that is comfortable and easy to maintain. My mission is to find my patch of grey. I've had it, lost it, had it and lost it again but I know its there for me to claim. Striving for perfection is a waste of time. Striving for balance gets my tick.  

If you've found your grey, I'd love to hear about it or share your experience in looking for it.

Instalment three: KEEP IT SIMPLE will be my next post.

BALANCING & JUGGLING

We all lead busy lives. I don’t know anybody who can honestly say that they’d have spare hours in a day on a regular basis. There is work, kids to organise / drive around / entertain, a family that needs our time and attention, friendships to nurture, hobbies and interests that keep us sane which may include some form of training and the inevitable household to run. Yep on many days I wish I had an extra couple of hours to fit everything in.

But we all have the same number of hours in a day so we all end up doing the inevitable juggling act. Some people juggle more, some less and here is where there’s a key difference in the outcomes.

So lets look at someone who chooses to juggle less.

Firstly there will be no spare time to exercise. I should also mention that the “P” work plays a big part in this (PRIORITIES). “I cant possibly get up early” or “I’m just too tired at night” or “I cant (insert any one of a number of different activities here) because (insert any one of a number of excuses here).” Subsequently there are many people who do absolutely no exercise … EVER.

Then there is the issue of preparing healthy food in advance. Again, this takes up extra time each day, or one big hit of time on the weekend.  Time that isn’t spare so its not given priority. We all know its so much easier to buy lunch each day and maybe have a few take-aways for dinner. Easy peasy, and it frees up some precious time.

Hmmm good habits???? Or not????

On the other hand we can get organised and choose a time when we will fit in some exercise. If you’re doing nothing now, even 30 minutes a day is a good start. After that, well its up to the individual. For me that means getting up at 5am. Yeah its not always pleasant but when my alarm goes off I don’t negotiate with myself about whether I want to do it or not. Its feet to the floor and JUST DO IT. The reward is that I always feel so much better after. Its my way of doing something good for me.

On the food front I admit that devoting the extra time to preparing healthy lunches to take to work and planning healthy dinners night after night, sometimes makes me grumpy. I wish the Fitness Fairy would wave her magic wand and poof it was all done for me but alas … I dream. The reality is that the time invested in preparing and planning those meals is critical to me and my family eating well. And there’s no denying it ….When I eat well, I feel good. When I eat crap, I feel like … yep you guessed it.

For me the outcomes are absolutely clear. If I choose to juggle less in the short term my health, fitness and happiness will suffer in the long term. Personally I need to invest the time up front to reap the benefit in the end. I’m sure it’s the same for most others, whether they choose to see it or not.

As for balancing, well it flows on from the juggling. We juggle. Some times we keep the balls in the air, sometimes we don’t. Mastering the balance is what I work towards.

Have you mastered your juggling and balancing or are you like me, a work in progress?

The next instalment is: LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE GREY.

PUTTING MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS OUT THERE

Over the last week or so I've agonised over my out of control emotions and the flow on effect they had on my eating, rehab and exercise - all of which suffered badly. I was at a point where I had convinced myself that I had to diet again to get back to a "happy weight." I was disillusioned, desperate and despondent. Oh and down in the dumps - in case you hadnt guessed LOL.

But the fog and gloom have cleared and now I find myself exploring what I believe is essential to ditching the destructive emotional eating that some of us (especially me) still struggle with. Adding to that I believe its possible to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight without resorting to diets - you just have to be smart about it - and approach it differently to following a prescriptive diet.

Stay tuned to read my take on this. This is not about what to eat / how to eat and how to train. Its about getting the head right and letting the rest take care of itself. I admit that I havent mastered all of this but at those times when I followed these principles, things were going bloody great for me so I have faith in what I write.

The first instalment: BALANCING & JUGGLING will be in my next post.

Cheers

Magda

ORTR DAYS 1 & 2

Psycholigically I feel great starting any new fitness / health venture on a Saturday. Yep I let my hair down on Friday night (well last week my hair was down all week LOL) and then start fresh on Saturday. So Friday was home made seafood pizza, red wine and then some halva for a last little sweet treat fling.

Despite a less than pleasant encounter with the MM, I felt great on Saturday knowing that I had some goals that were based on health and fitness rather than just a number on the scale. Yes I hope the number drops but everything doesnt hinge on it this time.

I have done the walking that my physio has prescribed and have been pretty diligent with my rehab work. And yes I'm on day 2 with no added sugar (although this is not 100% correct as I have a skim cappuccino on most days and it has chocolate powder sprinkled on the top which I enjoy eating - but its a small amount so I'm not stressing about it).

So all up I feel like I'm tracking well and have things pretty well sorted now. The trick is to maintain this state, or at least when things go haywire - and we all know they will - then NOT to resort to eating my body weight in junk food. To that end I'm considering engaging a support person of some sort, like a mentor but not somebody who tells me to eat this, dont eat that and tells me off if I eat off plan. I have worked out that one of the keys to my success is to own the decisions I make about what and how I eat. I must learn to CONSISTENTLY trust my instincts about food, nutrition and all the "head stuff" that goes with it. I know I have it in me - but I often lose sight of it.

So you can tell I'm back in calm and logical mode which makes life so much simpler. Sometimes being an overemotional and oversensitive Cancerian sucks. But on the other hand I look at my ability to connect with people, empathise with them and my capacity for caring and I realise I wouldnt have it any other way.

Good night all

M

OPERATION RETURN TO RUNNING (ORTR)

This morning I bid a relieved farewell to the full moon from last night. You will know that I've had a shitty week with a lot of my old issues resurfacing and taking over with a vengeance. Emotionally I was a bit of a wreck but I'm pleased to say that I feel normal again today (I never thought that would be so appealing).

So its with a clear head and after a lot of soul searching that I've made a decision about where to from here. I've looked within to find whats important to me and how I believe it can best be achieved. And I've set some goals for the year's final quarter.

GOAL # 1

By 24 October I plan to be running for 30 minutes at a time.

GOAL # 2

By 21 November I plan to be running for 1 hour once a week.

GOAL # 3

By 18 December (12 weeks away) I want to be running 10kms in 65 minutes.

There are other more personal goals that I wont blog about but I will blog my short term goals for the first week:

1. Ditch all white sugar from my diet.
2. Do at least 75% of my rehab exercises.
3. Complete at least 6 x 40 minute walks.

There may only be one quarter left but there is still time to finish strong.

Magda

FULL MOON TONIGHT

I had another physio appointment today and am pleased to report that things are improving for me even after this week of my pathetic efforts, little of which were aiding my recovery. I have had times of no pain and have learnt an effective method of releasing tightness in my sore muscles. My alignment and stability are improving, albeit slowly. Strength will come after, Miss K tells me.

I was told that it wont be long before I can jog again. Normally I'd be delighted about this but sadly my reality is that with the weight I've gained jogging wouldnt be enjoyable and I worry that the extra weight will also put unwanted stress onto my back (as I discussed with Miss K at an earlier consult). I'm not happy being in this position, I can tell you but as I said in an earlier post .... CHAPTER CLOSED.

Tonight after dinner I had cause to go to my local shopping centre and noticed that the moon was full. Maybe thats why I felt so over emotional today, fighting back the tears and snapping at people. Or maybe its just a culmination of the week of I've had and the struggles that continue to take up too much space in my life.

CARROT / EGG / COFFEE

A friend emailed this to me tonight. I wonder if she's psychic?? LOL

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee!

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.

She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.

She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did   and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mum?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?