Friday, September 30, 2011


Day 1 has been a good one. Albeit it was short but key things got done at work, my health was not compromised, I stayed balanced and there was some quality family time thrown in as well. All boxes ticked so gotta be happy with that.

There is now a long weekend to enjoy so trying to put work out of my mind, chill and enjoy me and family time . My housework is done (YIPPEE) so that is a big plus. But right now I'm super tired so I'll do my usual nana impersonation and toddle off for an early bed. See yas all tomorrow.

Xx m

Thursday, September 29, 2011


My stint as Acting Director starts tomorrow. Today, however was a great warm up for it as our Director was out for most of the day so the biggies (problems) all landed with moi.

I have decided to put my fears, self doubt, lack of confidence parked off to the side and bloody well embrace this opportunity. (Yes this is me talking, not several glasses of wine).

Hard work never scared me or put me off and my Director gave me some lovely words of reassurance as to why she thought I was capable and worthy. I dont want to let her down and I dont want to let myself down. BRING IT ON, I say.

The next 3 weeks will be focussed on work, staying healthy and balanced and not forgetting my wonderful family. Peter has even offered to be the "house husband" should my schedule require it. (errr he still has to work though but do the extra in the evenings). Gotta love the man who knows how important this is to me and how much I want to do well.

OK enough gushing and off to bed. I have legs to train tomorrow morning as today was a rest day.

Cheers all and wish me luck


Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Thank you to Kek, Liz, Sandra, Mich and FB friends Shelley, Kristy and Hilary for your your supportive comments, acceptance and helpful suggestions. I think yesterday was the culmination of a lack of sleep going back to last week where on 2 nights I was awake for several hours. Despite sleeping through for a couple of nights after that and thinking I was rested after the weekend, things couldnt have been further from the truth. Last night I had an awesome sleep, hit snooze at 4.50 and slept for another 15 minutes and then woke up feeling invincible (well almost).

Today was just as stressful, full-on and challenging but I easily kept a smile on my face most of the time. All due to being well rested, I'm sure. There are a couple of other issues at play but not ready to blog them yet. Things may sort themselves out, fingers crossed.

Eating was ok today. We had a lunch out to farewell my colleague Miss R who is going off to have baby #2. It was such a disappointing meal though. Since when does a tablespoon of coleslaw (and nothing else) constitute a salad.??!! (I had ordered salt and pepper squid with salad and chips knowing that I usually eat the salad and leave the chips.) Because my satisfaction rating was very low, I did have a biscuit after lunch (didnt need it but felt cheated with the poor meal at the pub) but kept things in check after that. Again, lots of positive self talk and just coaching myself to get through the next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, oh look I'm going home in half an hour speak.

Today Peter and I were exchanging emails about various things including work and he suggested that at the end of my acting stint perhaps a nice treat would be in order. I said that sounded great and was envisaging a leisurely cruise around the Greek Islands, daily visits to the Beauty and Health Spa, maybe Dom Perignon for breakfast. Funny .... thats not what he was envisaging. Reality check: I'm covering for my Director for 3 weeks not the Prime Minister of Australia.

:-) M

Monday, September 26, 2011


Beware another honest, from the heart post is coming up and whilst I hate to whinge, there might be some of those undertones.

There is no doubt that I'm now in a very pressured and stressful situation with work. My Director has 3 days of work left and then its me: Director, Manager and potential basket-case LOL. There are issues galore: some daunting, some complex, some annoying, some just requiring many hours of solid work to get them done. The "B" word (boredom) will not be in my vocabulary over the next 4 weeks.

I'm feeling it already ...  the pressure. At a team meeting today everybody was mucking around and joking and I was just annoyed and short with my responses. Normally I join in with a laugh because having a bit of fun is a good thing. Today, I was just annoyed. When my Director told me of another incident of an on-going staff problem I almost cried. Obviously the issue needs a LOT more of my attention ... as do a 100 other more urgent and critical things. Its Monday evening and I'm exhausted and pretty much wiped out.

I can feel this is a danger time for my eating too. I binged again on Thursday and Friday. Today it took LOTS of awareness and positive self talk to avoid a repeat. But I managed it and at least I dont have those negative feelings to deal with as well. Sometimes I'll just have to breathe and remind myself "one step at a time - one hour or minute at a time."

My love affair with Bikram continues although that too is posing some minor problems - but not for discussion tonight. In the very least I plan to keep up my training whether its just 30 minutes a day instead of the longer times I've been doing with ease lately. Why wouldnt I you ask. Only because I'm so tired - even first thing in the morning.

OK thats enough hearts and flowers for one night. No point trying to write a happy happy my world is so good post when the ship hits rough seas like it has now.


Friday, September 23, 2011


I'm exhausted.
Its been a busy and tough week.
I've had way less sleep than what is optimal.
There's a lot going on in my head and this will continue for the next 4 - 5 weeks.

I'll probably try to journal again privately (havent kept it up since I last started it again) to maintain my balance and perspective on things.
Taking proper care of #1 will be paramount if I'm to survive whats ahead of me.

Good night all


Wednesday, September 21, 2011


So its been a little while between posts. Just really busy with stuff both over the weekend and obviously at work. Stealing a few minutes now in case the opportunity doesnt present itself again for some time.

I've always been a really honest, put it out there blogger. When I struggled with binge eating, I shared all those downs. When I struggled with my scale weight I didnt hold back on that either. When my life was a rollercoaster of the diet/binge cycle I shared my ups and downs always believing firmly that I was doing the right thing even if the right thing wasnt doing right by me.

Well its time to share some really positive stuff now and try to explain it.

I no longer have a love/hate (mainly hate) relationship with the Metal Monster. Not just beacuse I like the number looking up at me but because my happiness and well-being is not dependent on it. Yes I have checked in lately and have been very pleasantly surprised to see the number drop into the 63s. But I was just as happy when it was in the 65s. And if it went back to the 65s would I have a meltdown and stuff myself silly with as much crap as I could get my hands on? Maybe LOL ..... no I actually doubt I would. 

My body is changing in a positive way and I'm not flogging myself with killer training sessions for this to happen. I will say though that I totally believe Bikram yoga is for me. It is hard, there's no denying it, but a very different hard to running or lifting heavy iron. I've had several compliments from people at work and I like that. Last night's Bikram class was the best so far. The instructor was awesome in her ability to get that little extra from me and for the first time I totally got the 100% connection with what Bikram is about.

Food wise, well what can I say? I regularly drink wine (sometimes too much), eat cake, drink cappuccinos, eat bread (daily) and I never shun oily fish or other good fats. I also eat a lot of unprocessed natural food and I rarely eat a big dinner (but have been known to if we are out and the food is superb). If you had said to me 6 months ago that I could do this and weigh less than I did when I was always trying to eat clean (but was binging a lot), I would have smiled politely at you and thought to myself "you have no bloody idea what you're talking about." How wrong was I??

I think there comes a time when you just have to question if what you're doing is right for you? How does it make you feel? Is it allowing you to live your best life? And if its not, then there needs to be a leap of faith to do different. I knew deep down that for me that wasnt another diet, another training program with another PT or any one of the revolutionary fat loss programs that are availble out there. I had to trust myself to try something different and believe it was right for me.

The rest is history.

Friday, September 16, 2011


September didnt start too fantastically in our household. On 30 August I was quietly congratulating myself on NOT getting a cold this winter. On 31 August I got my first cold for this winter. Hmmm. Not happy about that. I missed yoga and both weights sessions that week.

The following week started well but then my boy got sick and spent a day and half home from school with a non-specific virus. Yet again yoga was missed and so were my weights sessions as my routine was all out of whack. By then it was 2 weeks with no yoga and no weights.

Fast forward to the end of last week and beginning of this week and it was Peter's turn to get sick. At least that didnt affect my training and I put a damned good effort into getting back into my usual routine. So it was yoga on Tuesday night backed up with my leg weights training Wednesday morning. By late morning yesterday I could feel the DOMS showing me some love.

So to put the icing on the cake, today was upper body day and all I could say was "oh strength, why hast thou left me?" I swear in the 2 weeks of my absence each 5 kilo plate gained a kilo in weight, the 10 kilo bar got heavier and clunkier and my muscles said "what the hell are you trying to do?" I'm sure the DOMS love will be heading north by tomorrow.

Now that everyone in our family is well - and ironically we all had a different illness - we can truly enjoy Peter's continued birthday celebrations. On the menu tonight are individual Steak Wellingtons (vs one large Beef Wellington)  with some snazzy potatoes (recipe yet to be decided) and veges followed by baked coffee liqueur cheesecake. I think we're dragging out a GOOD bottle of red as well. The SWs wouldnt be my choice but then tonight is not all about me. Tomorrow night we go out for drinks and dinner kid free :-) and thats about it for the birthday cheer.


Thursday, September 15, 2011


Regular readers would know that my husband has been sick lately with a pretty strong bout of gastro. It started on Friday with what looked like the onset of a bad head cold or flu. He looked and sounded like death and spent the day at home. The next day the diarrhoea started and stayed with him til late Monday or Tuesday. As you would expect his food intake changed significantly and whatever he ate went straight through him anyway.

So fast forward to Tuesday and out of interest he steps on the scales (after breakfast) and lo and behold is 4kgs lighter. Allowing for breakfast and another trip to the toilet (how can he possibly manage that after so much pooing anyway) he figures that he's actually about 5 kilos lighter than he was less than a week ago.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Yesterday we go shopping so he can buy some new clothes that he's had his eye on. Wallet full of birthday money, its time to spend. He picks up a nice pair of moleskin jeans and comments that normally he's 38 but he might be a 36 now. He takes both pairs and tries the 36s first. He comes out of the change room and I'm like "OMG you look fantastic in those." They are tight and he has nice solid legs (not skinny chicken legs like most guys) and they're a nice fit on the arse. I am SERIOUSLY impressed.

The discussion that follows shows how we are on such different wave lengths. I'm advocating that with a bit of care around his food and taking advantage of his smaller apetite now, he could mainatain this new lean look that is VERY attractive (errr did I mention that already). He on the other hand is resigned to regaining that 5 kilos within a couple of weeks because thats just what will happen. We to and fro on the issue discreetly in the shop as he continues to assess what he'll purchase.

So there you have it - I'm totally shallow and still believe that looking good (and in his case - being leaner) is important and worth working at. On the other hand he's about "I'll eat and drink what I want , exercise to balance it out and accept the weight I am. I have no motivation to be these 4 or 5 kilos lighter." What is it called "Mars and Venus" or something?

On our way home he was lugging his very large shopping bag full of his purchases and commented that his shopping today, rivalled mine (well not quite but he was on his way). And he was feeling guilty about it. To which I replied "Rubbish. When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you achieve more. Case closed." So there you have it, the wise (and shallow) one has spoken and now that this earth shattering perspective has been shared I must get back to the job I'm paid to do.

Cheers all


Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Tonight I'm aiming to get along to Bikram yoga again so I've had some left over pasta and a salad for lunch today. I tell you, pasta is one of my all time favourite foods. I love it so many different ways - even slightly overheated leftovers taste good, in my book LOL. Tonight will be a no dinner night as you shouldnt eat 3 hours before the class and by the time I get home I'll shower and go to bed. The class (at 7.30) is an awkward time but its the only one that even somewhat suits me so I put up with it for one night a week. I do enjoy a nice snack at around 4 o'clock though.

So far I've clocked two good morning walks where I've managed to improve my pace a little. When walking my mind often wanders to other things and my pace slows a bit so to keep it fast I need to really focus on my walking rhythm. A good tune always helps too. The mornings have been cold again and even with gloves on, my hands froze today. It was 6 degrees and that was under the cover of our pergola.

Now to finish off this post of pointless waffle, I'll share a little something that really made me smile today. I'm wearing black stretch pants tucked into high heeled brown boots, a black fitting jumper and brown / gold accessories to work today. I passed a colleague on the stairs and she patted my bum as she said "look at this nice trim body." LOL. I'm not sure of I liked more the pat on the bum or the compliment :-)


Monday, September 12, 2011


Feeling awesome this week. I've changed my lunch menu and I'm not scrounging for sweets or chips to fill an unsatisfied hole. I've grabbed the work bull by the horns and once I finish blogging (LOL) I'll be right back to the grindstone with at least two more jobs to be crossed off my list for today.

I've appreciated a couple of days spent at base camp and realise that its not the end of the world, that it doesnt make me a monumental failure nor will I gain 5 kilos instantly that I'll then struggle to lose again. Perhaps its just a time to reflect on where I've come from and remind myself how far I've come. The trick is to accept it and move on ....  no regrets, no beating myself up just get back on the horse and ride again. And thats how I feel today. Oh and the size 11 non-stretch jeans still fit :-)

On a less happy note though, Peter has confirmed gastro and will be off work until Thursday (maybe). His birthday dinner on Wednesday is looking doubtful and I'll postpone making his favourite cheesecake. So Wednesday might be a quiet affair at home with him eating toast if he doesnt stop excreting everything urgently LOL. Poor chook. He couldnt have timed this any worse than for his birthday.

So I better mosey off and get cracking back to my to do list. Until next post, cheerio guys.


Sunday, September 11, 2011


Great weekend now drawing to a close. It was busy socially AND I managed to give my kitchen a proper clean instead of the usual quick wipe down. Its sparkling which will make me happy at 5am when I venture down ready for my walk tomorrow.

Peter's been sick this weekend so he's either skipped the social stuff or he's come along but I've been designated driver. Subsequently my wine intake has been considerably less than usual. Not a bad thing, I guess. I've had two dinners out and have come home just satisfied rather than overfull. Feeling REALLY good about that.

And the highlight ..... Bikram yoga this morning. Yep finally got back to a class and loved the sense of calm and grounding that follows. Hopefully this week is something close to normal and I get in my usual walks, weights and another hot yoga class. Oh and I hope Peter gets better as its his birthday on Wednesday and we dont want him being a misery guts that day LOL.


Saturday, September 10, 2011


So yesterday I had a damned good go at breaking the world record for food consumed in an afternoon. Today I had a bit of a chuckle about it (seriously) and am getting on with life as I normally know it. I will say though that before I went to bed I decided that today and from here on would be different - sort of like before - only better.

What needed to change? Well I needed to grow some balls!!! SERIOUSLY!!

I needed to grow some balls (or toughen up), grab my opportunities by the balls and really give them everything I've got. And that is how I woke up this morning. No more doubts and insecurities. In their place is confidence to get going and nail the things that have been challenging me - beating the binging and nailing my stint as Acting Director.

Nobody ever achieved greatness by cowering in the corner riddled with self doubt and lack of confidence. Its time to leave that behind and power on forward. And just in case it doesnt all go 100% as I imagine, I'll just fake it til I make it coz thats still better than where I was yesterday.

So folks, watch this space as I take on these two challenges. For one I'm well equipped as I've had a big run of success already, for the other I have the training, the brains and the determination to get it right so let the good times roll.


PS This is NOT alcohol talking tonight. This is me posting from the heart after another aha moment and wake up call.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Every so often I have a tendency to somewhat lose myself and my sense of who I am and what I stand for. In particular this week has been tough from that perspective.

My upcoming term as Acting Director has me quietly stressing on the inside while maintaining a calm and collected persona on the outside. Why do I have so little confidence in myself? Why do I constantly worry about anything that might go wrong, that probably will go wrong or that I'm sure I'll stuff up? The wierd thing is, I dont actually aspire to ever hold that position permanently (a combination of not believing I could do it and valuing the work/life balance I currently have) yet I REALLY want to do well in it (or at least not make a big friggin mess of it LOL).

I have realised that these negative thought patterns are not going to help me at all. Whether its through journalling, positive affirmations or CBT I must find a way to turn my thoughts around and start believing in myself. I can see a lot of internal dialogue taking place over the coming weeks if I'm going to get myself from "worry wart with no self confidence" to "yeah I can do this - or at least give it my best shot and accept that I may not get it 100% right.)

On the health and fitness front I face similar struggles. I'm no longer a body builder or figure athlete (not sure I was ever the "a" word anyway) yet I'm constantly standing on the edge of their world being tantalised by some beautiful physiques that have me wondering ..... before I remind myself: NO DONT GO THERE!!! I'm no longer a runner yet the City 2 Bay is almost here and it too is all around me. The Adelaide Marathon was on recently and reading about it left me with a twinge of "oh I was going to do the 10kms." But I've left that world too.

I recently found the yoga world and was settling into it beautifully, loving the hot sweaty sessions, seeing my focus improve, slowly getting better at the difficult poses - even going semi-vego. But through illness (mine and my boy's) I've now been away for over a week and I feel disconnected from that too.

Can you tell I'm having a tough time this week?

Who knows I might wake up tomorrow or Saturday and see things quite differently, or I  might only do so after putting some effort into turning my thoughts around.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011


After yesterday's revelation of my current challenges and fears which incidentally do niggle away at me, I've decided to keep today light and happy. After all there is still a good balance of this in my life and for this I'm truly grateful.

On Friday I took my boy to the Royal Adelaide Show which was just awesome. The weather was superb, the rides were fun, the sideshow games were a rip off, the animals were interesting and the food didnt disappoint LOL. I dont know how many times I avoided going to the The Show because I was dieting and the food would have been too tempting and it was all off limits. Now I say "fuck it. If I really want it, I'll have it." And I did. It was a great day out and here is my photographic evidence.

On the ferris wheel. Our favourite ride.

Alpacas. My favourite animals.

A typical 9 year old boy's photo face LOL.

OK Mum, here's a smile. Happy now?

There's that face again.

Just for you Mum.

What you do while waiting for the attractions to start ..... cats bums.

Thats all folks.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Geez life is busy right now and so daily blogging is a bit of a pipe dream. The only reason I'm getting to it today is that I'm home with my boy as he's not well. So he's on the sofa and I'm upstairs in the study FBing and now blogging.

I've had a really interesting start to September. There have been some great highlights (already - pics of me and my boy at the Royal Adelaide Show to come) but there have been a few subtle warnings as well.

Why is that every time I make a statement about what I want or dont want to do, I end up doing even more what I dont want to do - if that make sense LOL. In my September mini goals I mentioned that I was aiming for a sugar-less month (eg not having cakes or biscuits as often and being more mindful about when I do have them. Its not going sugar free, but being more sugar mindful).

So what do I do since then? Yep, I have more sugar than I would normally have :-(

I think I know why though. One of my previous binging triggers was a feeling of being under incredible pressure, being unsure of my abilities, just stressing about work issues. Somehow I managed to temper all that and for quite a long period I felt calm, (somewhat) confident and in control. However in the last few weeks an important major project has really ramped up and my head is spinning with facts and information related to it - as well as managing the squillions of other things I do.

But thats only half of it. In October my Director goes on 3 weeks leave and her close Director colleague (who works with us as well) will also be away for 2 of those weeks. In that time, I'll be acting Director with responsibility for bringing this project together and its shaping up to be a mammoth task of very scary proportions.

Now on the outside I'm all cool, calm and collected just writing down everything I think I might possibly need whilst going about business as usual. But on the inside, ever so subtly the stress is building. Its a month out and its there and I think it will only build up more and more.

So whats the problem? The problem is that I'm mindful of slipping back into my old behaviours of eating for comfort, eating for 5 minutes of feel good, eating for distraction or just eating  ...... Yesterday was a bit of a test and it really made me wake up to this. Although there was no binging, the warning signs were loud and clear.

So, just putting it out there that sometimes this journey to eating mindfully and trusting myself to make the right choices is damned hard. You might have weeks and weeks of coasting along thinking you've got it and then circumstances change and you realise that in order to "get it" you've got to keep working at it.

Gotta love life's challenges :-)


Thursday, September 1, 2011


I love it when a Blogger puts up a challenge for other Bloggers to tackle a particular topic. Bloggers block is a common problem for me so having the bait thrown by Liz here is just what I need to inspire me to write differently to my usual lots to say about nothing LOL.

So on the topic od CONFIDENCE I can say unequivocably that throughtout life I have suffered a severe lack of it. I can remember from a really early age, my mum constantly drumming into me that I was smart, that I could do X, Y or Z or other statements of positive reinforcement. You see, I REALLY did lack confidence in just about everything.

Fast forward to 40 something years later and I can say its improved, but not by that much. I still lack confidence in many areas: work, study, being informed on world issues and many other academic and personal matters. I'm not confident with IT, or AV technology (I look at the 5 or 6 remotes we have, I know there's a sequence of about 4 or 5 buttons that need to be pressed in a certain order just to get Foxtel on and I choose to not watch TV - SERIOUSLY!!!).

But enough of the "I lack confidence in..." as this should be about what I DO have confidence in. So as of recently I developed confidence in myself working out how to break my binge cycles. I became confident in my ability to listen to myself and trust myself in making my food choices and not having to follow plans that others had given me. With each passing day of achieving my mini goals, my confidence grew and the ground I was covering became less scary and a level of comfort was developing. Its been great to experience the change on both the physical level and on the emotional one too.

I'm also confident that the lifestyle choices I've made will keep me fit and healthy into my older years. Sure, there is always the chance that God will deal a nasty, unexpected blow but if that did happen I'd be pretty safe in the knowledge that my choices did not bring it on. Sometimes its just downright bad luck for some.

Finally I'm pretty confident that when I do tackle something I give it my best go. Half arsed just doesnt cut it in my book. Hence my goals to compete and run a half marathon were testaments to that belief. Both were BLOODY hard but I refused to let them beat me. And of that and the above, I guess I'm pretty proud :-)