ITS TIME .....

.... to write about my recent experience with the D word ... depression.

I've decided to write this as much for myself as a record of what I learnt and what I need to be mindful of in future as a desire to share my life honestly and openly.

January got off to a cracking start and for a day I revelled in the delight of wearing my skinny jeans. They were tight but hey ... they were on .... WINNER.

Then it all went downhill. Hours of study on top of full-time work meant lots of extra sitting. Add to the equation a cumulation of higher intensity lower body work (jogging again + plyometric exercises) and my lower back/hip/glute/ITB injury flared up BIG TIME. For weeks the pain was relentless and no amount of chiro treatment, rest or self massage would relieve it. I rememebr vividly saying to my chiro "John, lets just fix this now." to which he replied "mate if I knew how, I'd have done it by now." Then he went on to explain that all the extra sitting wasnt helping my situation and that the more I could move the better things would be.

By this time I had virtually stopped all exercise as I was studying late at night and didnt have any motivation or inclination to get up at 5am to exercise. I was exhausted to the bone. I'd arrive at work, slump at my desk and pray that the day would be "light on." I remember a day that my boss came in to tell me of an urgent job that had to be done by lunchtime. It required going back over financial information, understanding its implications and restructuring it in a different format. Lots of precise analytical thinking and working to a deadline. When my boss gave me the rundown of this job I almost said to her "I cant do it. Its unfair to expect this at such short notice and in such a short time." But I bit my tongue, fought back my tears and did it.

By now all the excitement about studying towards my grad cert - and potentially my MBA - had worn off and I was looking into the possibility of withdrawing from the course. If only I hadnt paid my fees I reckon I'd  have pulled the plug in one of my totally down and deperate moments. I was hating what the study was doing to me and all of the negative effects it was having on my life. But deep down I didnt want to be a quitter. I didnt want to face my boss and the boss of our organisation to say "I quit." I knew that I had to keep going.

So my life had become a battle of the pain from my injury and the physical and mental exhaustion of studying late into the night. I wasnt exercising and I turned to comfort eating to provide those few moments of pleasure that I craved so badly. Oh and how I ate!!! It may not have been the answer to my problems but there was no other answer so in the meantime, it would do.

Slowly my life just spiralled down further and further. I was short-tempered and often in a snappy, bad mood. I was emotional and over-sensitive, crying over anything and everything. I had become another person, a person who wasnt that nice to live with and I didnt like living in that skin. Only in the last couple of weeks did it dawn on me that I had fallen into a depression and I was still heading downwards.

Luckily I saw what was happening and took action to turn things around. I asked my boss for last Friday off explaining that I needed a mental health day. If I was going to break out of this rut, I needed a break from my usual routine. I needed to tackle stuff like housework, shopping and picking my boy up from school all at a relaxed pace. I needed to exercise and I needed to start eating well again.

As I started my recovery I thought long and hard about what I'd been through and admitted that one of the most upsetting things to come out of this for me was the weight I had gained from all that comfort eating. I looked fat and I felt awful. Few of my clothes fitted and I didnt feel good in anything. This was not how I wanted to live my life - not physically, not in this state of mind, not with this headset. It finally really sunk in just how destructive binge eating is and I knew I had to step up and banish it once and for all.

Recovering wasnt a case of flicking a switch and all was ok but as the days went on things gradually got better. I'm pleased to say that I no longer feel depressed and I'm paying a lot of attention to my health and wellbeing. I'm trying to be smarter about my study time. I'm now getting to bed earlier and I'm exercising in the morning. I'm eating better and performing better at work. I'm back to the old me, a me that I like to be. And I try to hold in my head and heart the lesson I learnt from my D experience.Hopefully the way forward from here is the path I've been trying to take for some time but never managed to stay on long enough to realise my dreams.

M