Every so often I have a tendency to somewhat lose myself and my sense of who I am and what I stand for. In particular this week has been tough from that perspective.
My upcoming term as Acting Director has me quietly stressing on the inside while maintaining a calm and collected persona on the outside. Why do I have so little confidence in myself? Why do I constantly worry about anything that might go wrong, that probably will go wrong or that I'm sure I'll stuff up? The wierd thing is, I dont actually aspire to ever hold that position permanently (a combination of not believing I could do it and valuing the work/life balance I currently have) yet I REALLY want to do well in it (or at least not make a big friggin mess of it LOL).
I have realised that these negative thought patterns are not going to help me at all. Whether its through journalling, positive affirmations or CBT I must find a way to turn my thoughts around and start believing in myself. I can see a lot of internal dialogue taking place over the coming weeks if I'm going to get myself from "worry wart with no self confidence" to "yeah I can do this - or at least give it my best shot and accept that I may not get it 100% right.)
On the health and fitness front I face similar struggles. I'm no longer a body builder or figure athlete (not sure I was ever the "a" word anyway) yet I'm constantly standing on the edge of their world being tantalised by some beautiful physiques that have me wondering ..... before I remind myself: NO DONT GO THERE!!! I'm no longer a runner yet the City 2 Bay is almost here and it too is all around me. The Adelaide Marathon was on recently and reading about it left me with a twinge of "oh I was going to do the 10kms." But I've left that world too.
I recently found the yoga world and was settling into it beautifully, loving the hot sweaty sessions, seeing my focus improve, slowly getting better at the difficult poses - even going semi-vego. But through illness (mine and my boy's) I've now been away for over a week and I feel disconnected from that too.
Can you tell I'm having a tough time this week?
Who knows I might wake up tomorrow or Saturday and see things quite differently, or I might only do so after putting some effort into turning my thoughts around.
M
I know exactly how you feel. I think I called it the platform between stations or something like that (can't find the post). Or if you're a CS Lewis fan, the world between worlds.
ReplyDeleteIt's all part of the journey. You'll find the next thing that ignites your passion. This is just the resting phase.
Worry not -- you're doing it right!!
Magda, I've been there many times...starting my own business is one example - I no longer had the time to hang out with the stay-at-home mums at school...and when they found out I was "back in the corporate world" (their words, not mine) I was out of the circle...it left me lost for a while, but now I see their actions as jealousy that I was brave enough to step out of my comfort zone, and have made new friendships with people who value every facet of who I am.
ReplyDeleteSorry - that turned into a rant about *me* - but I really get where you're coming from...don't really have any advice except to just ride it out - you'll get where you're meant to be one day soon.
Hope you and your boy are feeling better.
xoxox
Thanks Katie. I guess its all cyclic, the ebb and flow etc. I just look forward to going back to the yoga world and starting my climb back from base camp.
ReplyDeleteSandra thats really inspiring. At the end of the day it may just come down to how well we handle that scary step out of our comfort zone. Right now its scary for me but I hope to turn this around in the next few weeks so I can embrace the opportunity and maybe prove (to myself) that I'm worthy and capable (on the job front).
Hi Magda,
ReplyDeleteI have these mini identity crises all the time - you're not alone!