WHAT TOUGH PLACES CAN DO TO US

Well it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that the 6th to the 16th of February were just about the hardest 2 weeks of my life. But it is those hard times when you battle against the physical and emotional pain that you learn the most about yourself and maybe come out the other end stronger and wiser.

Just to recap quickly: I had a double study load as I was finalizing my report and presentation to finish last year's uni course whilst having started a new subject this year. The pre-reading and preparation questions and exercises were daunting in both volume and complexity but I had to focus my time on preparing for my presentation which I delivered last Thursday. My work was falling behind as I could no longer devote an hour or two in the evening to stay on top of things. I HATE that feeling of falling behind and drowning. But that was only half of it. On the 6th my lower back, hips, legs and everything connected, decided to play up again. I was in pain constantly and it was practically all over from my neck to my right ankle. I was under pressure, stressed and comfort eating became my scapegoat - yet again.

Depression took over as I didn't train, I ate poorly and I was immersed in study late into the night. At those times I'm not a calm and logical thinker. I catastrophise. I panic. I become overwhelmed. I let all my self doubt and low self confidence take over. And all that drives me further down in my downward spiral.

But I'm glad to say, I've come out the other side and I generally feel ok. Not great. Not good, but ok. I'll be honest. The study is HARD. Not just time consuming but a total emotional roller coaster and I found this hard to deal with until I could see the pattern forming. I'm learning to live with it. Learning to live with the feelings of being overwhelmed and demoralized but then managing to get on top of things. If its true that you grow when you're out of your comfort zone, then any day now I should be HUGE LOL.

My injury has been relentless and last week I invested in a one hour Bowen Therapy session out of desperation. Have you ever tried Bowen Therapy? I'd liken it to a cross between gentle massage and chiro without the bone crunching manipulations. I felt great after the treatment but it was a uni night and after half an hour of sitting at uni, I was in pain again. I doubt if I'll do it again. It's not cheap and it provided only very short term relief.

I've been thinking lots about my training and I come back to the realization that my body just can't handle higher intensity or longer workouts. High impact, plyo, intense stretching are quiet ticking time bombs for me. Longer runs are totally out of the question but perhaps the walk/jog combos are manageable. I've now come to accept this and I'm working within my limits. Yesterday I did upper body weights using Hilde's program of super sets but going a little lighter on the weights. Today I did my own lower body workout which I call 'Lower Body Basics' or LBB. It's just squats, static lunges (some people call these split squats), stiff legged deadlifts and wide (plié) squats. But I've taken my weights down really low to allow me to focus on technique. Then over the weeks I'll slowly take my weights up but remain focused on technique. This should allow my lower body to reacclimatise to weight training without risk of further strains or injury. At Bikram I'm toning it down to moves that feel safe and that don't push me to my limits.

I've had to let go of the voice that tells me I'm invincible and that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. That voice in my head might think so but my body tells me differently and if I ignore it I pay the price through injury and pain. So I've parked my dreams of looking like a lean, mean fitness model (insert tongue in cheek) and am working on being the best me that I can be. The competition is with myself, not the 20something who can smash out 10kms in 50something minutes, not the figure competitor who can bench her body weight, not the fitness instructor who can belt out 2 or 3 classes in a day. My goal is to simply stay active: lift weights, jog a little, walk some and stretch, tone and strengthen at Bikram. Being an idle couch potato is NOT on my agenda.

I wish I'd never had the binging setback earlier this month but at the time, the odds were totally stacked against me and I'm not beating myself up over it. I could feel the extra couple of kilos and it didn't feel good at all - adding to my depressed state. But after my presentation was done, I regrouped, refocused and got my eating back to normal. I weighed this morning, knowing that the number wouldn't upset me and in fact I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as high as I had expected. What I'm learning from this is that my body resets itself fairly easily to around the 67 kilo mark even after a massive indulgence of high fat, sugary foods. I don't need to diet. I don't need to cut out any food groups. I just need to be mindful and sensible and it happens. So if I continue to be mindful and sensible and keep training regularly then I know my weight will come down a bit more. I don't need to diet. I don't need to get all obsessive and anal. I just need to eat healthily, consistently and it will happen. Again, this lifestyle won't have me looking fitness model lean and mean but it WILL keep me happy and sane so I'll take that.

Last Sunday's Body and Soul lift out had an article on 'happiness secrets from around the world' and I picked up this saying: 'THAT TOUGH PLACE YOU'RE IN RIGHT NOW? IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S JUST A PLACE.' Well how true is that??!! We all go to that tough place at some point in our lives, probably many times over. But it doesnt define us. It doesn't have to break us or bring us down. It may just force us to reflect, reconsider and vow to come out the other side a stronger and better person. Maybe?

M