SO WHERE DO I START?

I quit blogging in the middle of March for a number of reasons. I was sick of myself going around in circles with my so-called goals that obviously didnt mean much to me because I really didnt put much effort into achieveing them. Instead my energy went into shooting myself in the foot over and over and doing the stop/start dance in repeat mode.

Not sure how I got to such a place but its not the first time I’ve been here and quite frankly the return visits are wearing me down. I know we all have challenges and issues and life cant be a bed of roses but sometimes I honestly wonder how I manage to get to this low, dark place when the reality is that I have so much to be thankful for.

So I’ve come back to blogging, albeit privately for now. I will return to return to public blogging when I’m ready. I will write what I want and disregard what people may think in case I’m too negative, too hard on myself or too all-or-nothing in my thinking. This is where I’m at and this is where I must start from.

In 3 weeks time I will run the Greenbelt Half Marathon (1 May). Yesterday’s 2 hour training run was a killer and I finished it in pain especially through my glutes and some through my legs. It really was a massive struggle. I emailed my results to Pat and got a reply telling me:

I know this is not what you want to hear but if you get to such a point in a run where it becomes painful/uncomfortable – it’s best to stop. I admire the fact you have the determination and will power to carry on however the risks involved in doing so are just not worth it. You ran well up to 1.30 – continue on when you’re sore can take this 90min capability away from you. 

Listen to your body Magda.

So in the 2 hours I ran about 15.5 kms which is well short of the 21.1km HM distance. I honestly couldnt have done more and I look 3 weeks ahead and wonder how I’ll ever manage the HM distance. To make the matter worse I am nowhere near my goal of running the race at 62 kgs or less. I was 68.4 this morning and it has left me feeling really down and depressed. So much for all my big goals and so-called efforts to lose that weight. All talk and no action … AGAIN.

But the scariest thing is that I’m at that cross-roads again where I’m drawn to say “fuck it” and just let my weight go, feeling defeated and powerless to make a change. On the other hand deep down I know something needs to change and I mean REALLY change. Not just for 5 minutes, not just in my head or in my dreams but in every day life, every day.

More on this tomorrow.