Tonight I feel a bit ..... (hmm insert mouth and nose pulled tight to the side) ..... bewildered. Or maybe .... (I've stared at the screen for 10 minutes and I cant even put it into words).
I'm trying to understand the delicate, intriguing, unpredicatbale workings of my mind. Sometimes I know me and sometimes I just baffle myself. Right now ,as for a couple of months I'm baffled.
In June this year I took a big leap of faith and changed my mindset about dieting, eating, losing weight, body image etc. It all happened relatively easily once I made the decision to look at things differently. The first few weeks were extremely stressful with EOFY on top of us, work being stupidly busy and me certainly feeling the pressure. But my faith in myself and my new outlook got me though it all relatively unscathed. I stuck to my new beliefs and outlook and soldiered through the tough times. Life was genuinely good deep inside and I was starting to feel genuinely happy - deep inside.
I'm not sure when I had my first relapse back to binging but it unsettled me a little. However I had a good think about it, worked out the cause and easily corrected it. I soldiered on and continued to be happy as this was but a mere blip.
Then it happened again and ..... again ..... and again.
I found comfort in the writings of others especially Miss Katie (Head*Heart*Health) and some very meaningful motivational quotes and books such as French Women etc. Every time I forgave myself and moved on in a positive direction with a positive mindset, clinging on to my internal happiness.
But tonight its come to a bit of a head and I sit here thinking why. Why am I slipping back to my old habits with some frequency now? Am I still so far removed from getting my head right even though I'm telling myself I have.
Look I have no demons from my past. There are no deep rooted problems that I need to get out and come to terms with. But how and why is my percpetion of normal vs emotional eating so far from where I want it to be. It feels like I glide along the path of emotional eating freedom and genuine internal happiness until I hit a pot hole and come down in a tumbling heap with some frequency. I want to get to that place where I can see the pot hole coming so I veer around it or I sprint over it or I ease myself ever so gently in then out of it. You get my drift???
I wasnt even sure of posting this tonight but my blog header does say that I blog the good the bad and everything in between so thats me uncut. I really welcome any comments, insights or observations that you, my readers, may have. I'm looking to find a better understanding of this and a solution to get me to where I want to be. I'm all ears.
M
Hi Magda,
ReplyDeleteAs someone whose opinion isn't very popular in the intuitive eating circle, I'll offer this up.
Imagine that you're a crisp sheet of white cardboard. You become stressed and learn to respond with a pattern of emotional eating. You are folded in two.
You unfold yourself, but you're left with a crease mark. Something else happens. You respond with emotional eating - why, because you've already started to ingrain the pattern by the crease you've made in your cardboard. You are folded in two.
And it goes on. Reversing these behaviours takes a long time - but you've still got this faint crease in your cardboard - meaning that you still have the proclivity to indulge in this learned behaviour if you're not on watch.
That is the key - to remain on watch and to be vigilant. Life will ebb and flow and you may not need to be as watchful some times as much as others - you may even think during these times that you've nailed it.
You'll also find a pattern to it. Often EE occurs in the same place, same time and same foods.
I personally find complete abstinence from my triggers works best for me - ie if I'm in the trigger situation, without the trigger food - I can avoid EE and vice versa -with the trigger food but not the environment.
Many people disagree with my position. Fine by me - at the end of the day we need to do what works.
x
I agree with Liz. If I am on a mission to get rid of unwanted fat (which I am!), I need to do it with a set plan and avoid trigger foods. I recently lost around 9kg but then when I started eating 'normally' again I just binged out and put all the weight back on. My prob is carbs. I am FINE and happy, not hungry or feeling deprived if I stick to a ketogenic diet. Still heaps of things I can enjoy (mmmm cheeeeese...vodkaaaaa) but as soon as I let carbs back into my life, the hunger comes back as does the binges. Been off the carbs two days now and not even thinking about eating. My 'carb crease' is definitely still there, I'm just trying to slowly iron it out.
ReplyDeletePS - not advocating low carb, just avoiding triggers foods, whichever yours may be.
xxx
My two bob's worth - personally, I need structure. I am not an athlete, have never even been close to training for a figure comp like so many of you, just trying to shed a few kg's and keep them off.
ReplyDeleteThe minute I stray from "structure", the weight starts to creep back on.
Like you, I have no hidden childhood or past traumas here, I just eat too much of the wrong stuff if left to "go with the flow"...
Liz, I think a lot of us would rather keep our mouths shut, but Magda did ask...
xo
Hey Magda
ReplyDeleteI had to wait for the right words to come to me. Here's what I think:
I believe we are like onions - layer upon layer and always working through the layers. We work through a layer, peel it off and go great guns and then out of the blue another layer is ready to be peeled away which is when it shows up in the form of EE (or another).
It's just another layer of the onion, nothing to "worry" about but merely another signal that there's work to be done.
You were and still are doing fabulously. Don't get down on yourself. See it for what it is. Another opportunity for growth and expansion.
I don't believe we need to be vigilant or on guard as that is just avoidance or distraction from the real issues. It's not about the food!
You do need to do what works for you (journalling, EFT, meditation, working with a coach, etc). And as you do this you'll find that layer peeling away as it has done in the past.
And there's Shelley's wisdom for the day :) (LOL)
Hi Kristy,
ReplyDeletePlease tell me how being on guard or as I'll reframe it in words that sound better, "mindful" is avoiding the 'real issues'?
Being mindful around food is the key and one such decision may be to steer clear of foods that trigger allergies and intolerances - in the case of bingeing, the foods ingested have an effect on the chemical balance in the brain, so there's a physical aspect to it as well in some situations - not just "avoiding the issues" - too nebulous for me...
Hey Liz
ReplyDelete1. You owe Kristy an apology for wrongly assuming. It was Shelley as stated in the last sentence.
2. It wasn't a personal attack on you or anyone else. Why do you take things personally?
3. There is no right or wrong, just different perspectives.
4. It was my purpose, as yours, to try and help Magda. If Magda wants further clarification or explanation she'd ask again.
5. I refuse to debate. I have better things to do.
My apologies Magda.
SS
Kristy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry - my mistake.
ReplyDeleteShelley, there's a perfect opportunity here to expand on why you don't think it's the food. Most of the time it's not but it's worth considering the effects certain food classes have on different people.
My insight Magda!!
ReplyDeleteI think you're being too hard on yourself.
FOR ME and this is ME only - I managed to get rid of the Binging Bullshit at the end of 2007. How the fuck did i do it? I would foresee and watch my actions from the outside, i.e.: If I went to do the binge thing, i would take a step back and visualise what I was about to do and think about how fucked up i'd feel after the effect, so wouldn't go there. Very mental thing for me, it wasn't about the food - i wanted to fill myself up cause i was missing out on an emotional level - that's another story which i got help for through kinesiology. I only went to Kinesiology three times and was somehow "cured"........i've never looked back and have never once "relapsed".
happy to expand if ya want me too xxx
PS: I think you are great x
Hi Magda, I can totally relate right now. What I aspire to and feel would create the best outcome long term is sticking to what I consider my core values or self respect standards and that is for me balanced across all areas of life. Such as I have to spend less than I earn if I am to gain more $ for the future. And I need to consume slightly less cals than I consume if I am to lose fat and I can't consistently eat more or I will gain. Too much wine for me seems to throw the whole equation out the window such as more than a bottle in one sitting for me. If I am to consider myself fit I need to make my minimum of 3 30 min sweat busting cardio and 2 15 min challenging resistance sessions weekly unless of decent injury or illness reason of course. Only real rules I have are the alcohol limits, budgeting rules and training standards. I permit myself freedom in other areas but just need to feel in control and happy with my choices. All stuff you know..........and the basis of what I need to do right now!
ReplyDeleteMagda, I know your job is lots more stressful than mine mentally! I totally get that balance requires commitment. I admire you with a family and all. I felt smug as well earlier this year again. I didn't binge or even feel the urge to for months earlier this year and didn't feel like I was 'dieting', just mindful. But I did still drink more than my liking and spent my holiday savings account of $2000 on a size 10 wardrobe that is useless to me right now and clutter I won't throw out now lol! I find sugar addictive and guess deep down accidentally habitually find excuses and an escape clause after a few months or if life throws new challenges.
ReplyDeleteDeep down I reckon that I will always fight this yoyo to some degree until I value myself enough to stick to my core values, standards, limits that I control where need be through thick and thin. Lifetime commitment. Adding fun and experiences we have proud memories rocks too.
Above all though Magda, I think you have been doing great and have achieved great things!