THE EVE OF MY 10KM RUN

At the end of Day 4 I'm pleased to say that all has been going well and I'm feeling SO much better than I did on Days 1 and 2. Its amazing what a difference it makes when you eat mainly good healthy food and get some training in every day.

Although I had prepared a rough eating plan for myself before I started the turnaround, I've sort of disregarded it and am just trusting myself to choose foods that will make me feel good and to not over-eat. Its been easy so far and I'm liking the feelings of genuine hunger that come from not overeating and actually being hungry for a meal. I'm also working on drinking less wine and Peter has agreed to do the same so we are in unison on that one :-)

Being on holidays has afforded me the luxury of Friday training (normally my rest day) as well as training at a civil hour - like 8.30am. It is truly bliss to not be up at crack-of-arse (stolen from Liz's blog) to train. I'm well on schedule to complete my planned training sessions this week having nailed my 2 weight sessions yesterday and today. Both were rounded off with a short burst of cardio on the exercise bike and step-ups done on the retaining wall in my back yard.

My headspace has been calm, positive and I have a good feeling about things overall. Now to bottle this so I can draw on it when back at work and facing some very busy times. I've been meaning to do a daily note of affirmations and mini journalling but never actually started it. Perhaps now would be a good time ....

Finally, tonight is the eve of the Greenbelt and I'll be running the 10kms tomorrow. I'm about as well prepared as I could be and I'm not nervous about the race. Having done very close to 100% of the training for the half marathon, what is there to worry about for 10kms (unless I lose my way or have a toilet problem LOL). I will admit here though that I am a little disappointed that I'm not doing the HM because deep down I know that being able to do it was pretty much within my control. But whats done is done and moving forward is the only option.

Please come back tomorrow for my race wrap up.

Good night all

M

DAY TWO AND AN 'AHA' MOMENT

Sometimes I think that writing my blog and reading others is just a bit of indulgent time wasting. I mean, I could be studying (probably should be LOL), I could be cleaning my oven, I could be preparing in advance tomorrow night's dinner or I could be watching TV with my husband (boooooring - thats just not me).

But every now and then I read something that REALLY hits home. That I may have read in some other form somewhere else but reading something that has made a big difference to a real person sort of has a LOT more impact. Ladies and gentlemen I refer to this awesome post from the equally awesome KatieP. In particular this paragraph:

"I have formulated rules for my life. Yes, I did say rules. In the same way that killing or hurting another human being is a rule, not a guideline, I do have rules. I will no longer engage in self-abuse or self-hatred. Eating until I am bloated and nauseous is breaking that rule. I can not binge because for me it is morally wrong. I cannot eat in secret and hide the evidence because it is lying to myself and violating my moral code of authenticity. I cannot count calories because it disregards my commitment to trusting my body."

It made me wonder if I could make a similar commitment to myself. Why havent I done this already? Or rather, when I (sort of) did, why didnt I honour it? To a chronic binger, the answer may not be so simple but what would I lose by trying again? Binging is the ONE eating behaviour that is dragging me down physically, mentally and I guess morally (I'm not sure about spiritually as I'm a bit void on that.) It is THE one thing I'd really like to change about myself so whats stopping me? (Again the answer to that might not be a one-liner). A voice inside me says "Make the change. Make the commitment to yourself. You have nothing to lose by adopting this different mind-set."

Thank you Katie.

Now onto the less deep and meaningful which is my quick round up of Day 2.

I ran for 40 minutes again and felt the same as yesterday (not good.) Now its got me thinking, toasted and buttered hot cross buns may taste great for those brief moments in your mouth but eating as many as I did has left me feeling heavy and sluggish. Running is a chore when your joints hurt and you feel pathetic shuffling along.

Today I managed a little bonus incidental exercise when I took my boy ice skating. Sadly it was very crowded being school holidays, but I managed a few laps without the support frame so I was happy with that.

I'm enjoying being back eating some of my old favourites - like seed and grain toast with scambled eggs / egg whites and mushrooms; my favourite green veges with left over BBQ chicken and leftover lasagne meat and skim cappuccinos (hold the cake LOL). A few more days of this and I should have my pep back. Oh and I must have a little brag - I've scored another alcohol free day today (gasp).

Finally I also did all my rehabs and stretches after neglecting them a bit over Easter.

So another good day and some thinking about how I want to live my life from here on.

:-) Magda

GO!!

Today is "GO" day. The start of my turnaround to get leaner, fitter and injury free. Apologies in advance if this turns into a bit of a ramble but here's the good, the bad and the stuff in between.

First up a meeting with the Metal Monster. As I fully expected, the number was back in the 70s (I had sort of hoped that I wouldnt get back there again - but hey I was pretty close before Easter so what chance did I stand after my 5 day feast on hot cross buns and other goodies??!!) At least the line has been drawn in the sand and I can set some realistic goals to work towards. First one being the sub 70 which I'm confident I'll achieve by the end of the first week. And yes my weeks will run from Wednesday to Tuesday - for now anyway. I took measurements last night as I knew I'd be pushed for time in the morning. No pics though as I didnt really have an opportunity to do any.

I went for a 40 minute run today and felt like crap, loping along like a baby elephant. I know this will improve as I start feeling a bit lighter over the coming days. Hopefully by Sunday I've got my running groove back for the Greenbelt. After one more run tomorrow, I'm resting until the race on Sunday.

My training goals this week are:

4 x runs (including the Greenbelt 10kms on Sunday)
2 x upper body weights followed by 20 mins cardio of my choice (intervals / HIIT or similar)
2 x walks of at least 40 minutes each
Rehab and stretches daily

Food was good today but a bit "untraditional" in that I didnt eat until I was hungry so first "meal" was a large skim cappuccino around 10am. This kept me going until I was quite hungry at 1pm when I was out with Peter and I had a lamb salad. Yummo. It was delicious and I ate what felt comfortable AND LEFT THE REST. (I'm not good at this, especially when the food tastes really good.) I also managed to drink 1 litre of sparkling water as I'm very dehydrated. Peter was surprised that I didnt have wine with lunch.

So here are the goals that I'm shooting for over this 10 weeks:

WEIGHT: Lose 8 kilos in total. First mini goal is sub 70. Second is sub 67. Then sub 65 and an 8 kilo loss will have me in the low 63s. (Not quite at 62 but pretty damn close).

CENTIMETRES: Ideally I'd like to shave a nice 10cms off each of my torso measurements(bust, waist and hips) and 5 off each thigh. Thats all I measure as arms and calves take care of themselves and I dont worry about those.

FITNESS: Assuming I can reduce or eliminate the effects of my injury, my goal is to run 10kms in the time I ran it when training for the HM last year. This year I was 6 minutes slower at my time trial a few weeks ago so thats a sizeable goal. I'm also aiming to do 10 push ups from my toes. Right now I can do a big fat ZERO :-(

INJURY FREE: This is my ideal but I need to consult back with my physio before I can make any educated statements and set realistic goals.

So there you have it. The changes I'm making this week are to cut right back on the alcohol and sugar. This in itself will get things moving in the right direction, I know.

Day One over and out.

:-) Magda

READY, SET .....

Today is officially my "ready, set ..." day - you know, what comes directly before "GO". Sort of like the eve of the turnaround. Sounds important and significant, doesnt it? Well it is. I cant continue on as I have been doing over the last 5 days, last 5 weeks and probably even longer than that. I dont feel good physically. I dont feel good mentally and I know its time to take back my control, take ownership of my choices and decisions and commit to some positive new behaviours.

I'm not a fan of Pauline Nordin and I dont aspire to look as lean, muscly and shredded as she does but this post from her blog today really hit home for me. Its so true that getting started can be really hard. Take me for instance, I know I should have started my turnaround on Friday or even earlier but I just couldnt be arsed. My heart wasnt in it, nor was my head and as for my stomach .. all I heard was "yes please, I'll have toasted and buttered hot cross buns for breakfast ... EVERY DAY."

Pauline says "Many times we get stronger from being weak. Even though you might believe you lost your dedication and determination, maybe losing them a bit is needed to get that edge back."

I've saved this post in my favourites so that I can refer to it when I want to throw in the towel, when again I cant be arsed and when I get those familiar thoughts of "oh just this once wont matter." I know those times will come and I'll have the choice to either make a difference or take the easy option.

So this is the last night that I talk about it. Tomorrow is "GO" day and time to "DO." There will be a weigh and measure and maybe some "before pics" (not in bikinis though - I just dont do that BS now.) My simple nutrition plan for the first 3 week block has been worked out and I have a training plan also outlined. My blog is my accountability record and I will NOT pull the plug half way, this time.

Cheers all

Magda

NEW BLOG TITLE - NEW FOCUS

I went to bed earlier than usual last night and typically it took me hours to get to sleep. But it gave me time to think about what I want to achieve in the short term - eg 10 weeks. I also wanted to change the look feel of my blog so that it clearly focussed on what I have described as my mini mission.

This morning I've been planning my approach and thinking about some simple, basic changes that will be implemented from Wednesday. The beauty of that is that I'm on holidays for the rest of the week so I dont need to train at 5am. Getting my food back to normal should be a little easier too (as there are no work pressures to battle with).

I'm excited about whats ahead of me. I'm looking forward in a positive way with confidence that I'll achieve my goals - or come bloody close to it in the least. And yes I'm getting a bit "focussed" about this as previous "oh I'll just go with the flow" efforts havent produced any noteworthy results. Time for a different plan of attack me thinks.

More in my next post as I have to rush and take my boy to the movies.

Cheers all

Magda

EXCELLENT EASTER

Well the reality is that I wont be reducing my weight over this Easter break. But you know what, I'm ok with that. I've really enjoyed having a toasted hot cross bun with real butter for breakfast on most days, coupled with scrambled egg whites with spinach and mushrooms. Perhaps the fat and calories of the former are balanced by the leanness of the latter LOL. There have also been some pretty wicked desserts as we are always finding some cause for a celebratory dinner with my Mother-in-law staying with us. Oh not to mention a glass of wine .... or several.

I have trained every day though, alternating between running and weight training. Yesterday I did a pretty impressive back / shoulders and tris session which left my upper body a bit numb :-) I'm due to weight train again tomorrow but after a bit of an indulgent Easter Sunday dinner at my parents place tonight, I might swap the weights for another run.

So all of my goals are on the back burner for a couple more days and then its down to serious business ... (yeah I know I've said that a 1000 times before yadda yadda yadda). But honestly after so much indulging, I start to really crave the simple lean and clean stuff, as I know others do too.

Its been a fantastic Easter and its not over yet. Loving the relaxed pace and spending time with family.

:-) M

THE EVE OF 10 DAYS OFF

I'm writing this post on the eve of what will be 10 days off work for me. Yes I have a few extra days off after Easter/ Anzac Day and then another weekend and it'll be May when I return. In that time I'll also run the Greenbelt 10kms.

I'm not quite sure what, but I want to achieve something over this 10 days. There is inspiration and an itching to make a change bubbling away at a deeper level but it hasnt come to the surface. Its hard to put into words. I think its driven by the break in routine and the subsequent "doing different". Maybe this could trigger the change I feel coming on.

One of the things foremost in mind lately is getting my stupid back / lower body injury under control again. Whilst I struggle to run long distances now, I'd like to think that this situation is only temporary. So as this is my number one goal over the coming weeks / months, here is a snapshot of my 3 pronged plan of attack.

1. Reduce my body weight to 62 kgs (which will give me a BMI of 20.5). Its not rocket science figuring out that running with extra weight places extra stress on your joints, muscles etc. When those joints, muscles are not working properly to start with, the extra weight just makes the problem worse. I have cold, hard evidence of this from how I was pulling up after some of my long runs. Walking like a cripple that can barely stand or move is NOT how one should function. I've discussed this with my physio and she wholeheartedly agrees that in my case, with my injury, less weight is better.

2. Significantly reduce my sugar intake and moderate my alcohol intake. The added benefit of this is that it helps me to achieve the first point. But its not for that reason alone. Sugar is an inflamatory and consuming it regularly in moderate to large quantities will not allow my body to do its own healing of my painful areas. I still remember vividly how great I felt when I was suagr free for several weeks last year. The first few days were tough but once the cravings passed I was managing my injury well and felt quite invincible. As for the alcohol, although my body does process and eliminate it quickly and efficiently, it is a toxin and the less of it there is in my system, the better off I am.  I'm not going tee-total but there is certainly scope to cut back.

3. Check back with my physio for more / updated rehab. I have an appointment in the week after the race and I'll be quite firm about wanting to "fix this" and not just fluff around with exercises that are showing no obvious benefits or change. Having said that I know that I have to take care of points 1 and 2.

So maybe I've just defined the change I want to make and backed it up with a bloody good reason why. I guess on that note I'll go and sleep on it and when I wake up tomorrow the journey will begin.

Happy Easter to all of my readers. I hope to blog a fair bit over this break.

XX M

CHANGING THE GOAL POSTS PART 2

This post could be written a couple of different ways - like a big beat myself up session or as a constructive assessment of where I'm at with a plan on moving forward, interspersed with some dreams and longer term goals delivered with a good dose of level headed reality. I'll see if I can chuck in a funny or two as well :-)

So in the spirit of my glass being half full, I shall stay positive but be honest and objective about my situation.

Now that the race pressure is off I'm thinking a lot more clearly and logically about "where to and what do I want". Over the last few weeks I somehow managed to dig myself a nice big hole and work solidly at burying myself in it. The more pressure I felt, the worse my behaviours were and my running suffered leaving me feeling worse, eating more, running worse and feeling under more and more pressure. Is that what you call a negative spiral?

The fact is that I havent put the necessary effort into managing my injury. That will change starting with some small adjustments right now. I know that it will be a three pronged management strategy and two of those prongs are totally within my control. (More on this might be a Part 3) You could call this the start of the positive spiral.

How I approach this is crucially important too. I started the year really well with lots of motivation to make this the year I achieved some big things. I'm not sure where the wheels fell off but they did and with almost 1/3 of the year gone I havent achieved much greatness at all. But enough dwelling on the past and more looking to the future. I need to have a balanced and moderate approach to improving my back health and fitness and putting myself under huge pressures will likely be counter-productive. Finally common sense is prevailing.

So here is a little snapshot of what I'm working towards over the coming weeks / months. These are not "goals" as such because my recently declared goals were all crap anyway. I'll leave the traditional goal-setting for another time.

1. Run the 10kms in the Greenbelt and all being good on the day, do it in sub 70. (Ok this is a goal.)

2. Get my injury under control. Parts 1 & 2 I'll take care of and then hopefully my physio can pull something clever from her bag of tricks to address part 3. I'll write more about this in the coming weeks.

3. In early July we are holidaying in Singapore again. This time I want to be feeling fit and great when I go. I have a bikini and I plan to wear it and not feel like Greenpeace will come and try to push me back into the water.

4. And longer term I have a dream of reaching the big FIVE O looking and feeling FABULOUS. Not just ok for my age or pretty good but FABULOUS!! I have a few years to achieve this and quite frankly it wont be an overnight thing but it means a lot to me to age well. Yes I am vain but nobody can deny that you feel better when you know you look better.

M

CHANGING THE GOAL POSTS - PART ONE

Today I made a big decision and then carried it through so there is no turning back.

I have changed my Greenbelt Half Marathon entry to running the 10k instead. I'm now looking forward to the race as opposed to dreading it.

Last weekend's 2 hour run was a huge physical struggle. I finished it in a lot of pain and honestly could not have run another step. I was well short of 21kms in distance covered. Yesterday I was due to do another 2 hours but finished up at 1:09 having walked some of the last 10 minutes. My distance was woeful. The pain in my glutes is relentless and then the longer I run the more it goes to my legs as well. I havent enjoyed any runs for a couple of weeks and I know that given current circumstances that wasnt going to change.

I honestly didnt know if / how I could run 21ks this time and emailed coach Pat about this. Without spelling out that I should change the goal posts, he tactfully reminded me that sometimes we have to accept that its better to work within our boundaries. And I have decided to do just that knowing that giving the 21kms a decent go would likely set me back considerably. On the other hand 10ks is a nice distance now. Long enough to be a decent run but not a crippling one.

So the 2011 Greenbelt will not be my second half marathon but I'm quietly confident that with some serious work to rehab and manage my injury there will be another HM within me and I'll enjoy the training and the racing experience.

I'll post more on this issue tomorrow.

Cheers all

Magda

WHEN NORMALITY IS RETURNED

When I read back over my last two posts, I realise how much I give away my control and lose my confidence in my own abilities. This isn’t the first time its happened and in fact in my 40something years I’ve let it happen too often.

When the going gets a bit tough and eating well and training hard  feels like its all too hard, a nice easy “cop out” is to look for answers elsewhere. I know I often turn to self help books thinking that every new book I read might just be “the one”. That book might contain the Holy Grail or that vital bit of info that once I have it, I’ll be cured forever. I also find myself doing a mental stock take of every diet I know and assessing how effective a way it might be to lose some weight FAST. And believe me I have quite the repertoire of diets up my sleeves LOL. Again its just another form of looking for answers elsewhere.

I’m sure many can relate to this in some form and to some degree. If you’ve truly never been there or have no idea what I’m talking about then I’m surprised you’re here reading my food / diet obsessed ramblings. I think as human beings we naturally seek the easy way, the way that gives us less pain or discomfort. However we often make the mistake of only looking short term to give us the instant gratification we naturally seek. A bit of the “who cares if this chocolate bar (or whatever your vice is) will slow/stop my weight loss, I NEED it NOW” mentality. Yep, seriously guilty of that one.


I'm becoming more and more aware that there are times for me when emotions take over and I dont think as rationally and logically as I should. You may not believe this but I have never suffered from PMT - until recently. Now I'm noticing shorter cycles, pain like I havent had since decades ago (not to mention heightened pain in my back, glutes and legs) and eating junk like a mad woman in that traditional PMT time. Its quite an eye opener and something that I need to get on top off when my brain is working properly.


So I've digressed but will come back to my statement about looking for answers elsewhere. When the mind calms down, the voices quieten, the brain moves into its logical and rational gear and normality is returned, I know deep down that the answers I'm looking for are all within me. There are key questions I ask myself and when answered honestly I have my way forward.


As Gillian commented on my post from Sunday night "I'm not the type of person to chuck it in, declare it all "too hard" and just let obesity take over" (and rest assured it would if I had that attitude). When I've fallen over and I'm feeling like a failure I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get going again.


My basic habits are good. I'm on the way to mastering my mind and my emotions. I have the tools I need, I just need to use them daily and keep working on this one small step at a time. Its not about another diet nor cramming in extra training. For me its not about logging my intake, balancing my macros or slavishly following so and so's you-beaut diet plan. I must trust myself to know what I need balanced with what I want at the right time and in the right quantity. (oops thats sounding a bit diet obsessed but you get my drift).


I have some reading for my management training course and whilst its targeted at being a better manager / leader I'm intrigued how this theory can be applied in a personal sense as well. (No its NOT another self help book but an insight into emotional intelligence and understanding yourself - always an interesting read in my opinion.)


More on that tomorrow, I hope.


Cheers all


M

PS Sorry about the stupid fonts guys. Blogger wont change it to a uniform font / size and its messiness is really pissing me off GRRR

BACK IN BLOGLAND

So here I am back in Blogland and I must admit, I really missed it too. Ironically I found myself mooching around on the computer on most evenings where I could have punched out a quick, therapeutic post. Whether life is great or shit (in my head) for me writing is a release and a form of therapy so I'm getting back into it.

In my never ending quest to be a better person and to be truly happy within myself I've been doing some reading lately. Stuff that I thought would help me understand me, understand stuff, understand why we do the things we do, understand what it takes to aim high and achieve big goals. Anthony Robbins' "Awaken the Giant Within" started out as a good guide with LOTS of detail and lots of explanations covering everything imaginable. For a while I was quite "sold" on him and to some extent I still am but I'm a bit overwhelmed by the detail and his "Americanness" in approaching some issues. For now, he's been put aside but some of his messages have been etched into my mind.

More recently I treated myself to Craig Harper's "Stop F*cking Around". Peter saw the cover and asked me if there was something he should know :-) I must admit, I like Craig's style. No bullshit or all bullshit depending on where you sit. Some of his chapters hit (my) nail right on the head.

So with all this reading and all of my own thoughts, emotions, rationales, beliefs, non-beliefs and stuff I've manged to create some pretty amazing chaos in my head. Honestly I have moments where I feel 6 years old and I dont understand the world, or me or all of the stuff. Yet again, how did I get to this place?

Its fair to say that right now I could really use some time out, time to step away from my training and the pressure of the HM, time to heal physically and to put my head right. Not to mention stuff coming up later this year which is good exciting and scary exciting too.

More on that tomorrow. Oh and there is this CHANGE thing that I havent quite got my head around just yet.

M

SO WHERE DO I START?

I quit blogging in the middle of March for a number of reasons. I was sick of myself going around in circles with my so-called goals that obviously didnt mean much to me because I really didnt put much effort into achieveing them. Instead my energy went into shooting myself in the foot over and over and doing the stop/start dance in repeat mode.

Not sure how I got to such a place but its not the first time I’ve been here and quite frankly the return visits are wearing me down. I know we all have challenges and issues and life cant be a bed of roses but sometimes I honestly wonder how I manage to get to this low, dark place when the reality is that I have so much to be thankful for.

So I’ve come back to blogging, albeit privately for now. I will return to return to public blogging when I’m ready. I will write what I want and disregard what people may think in case I’m too negative, too hard on myself or too all-or-nothing in my thinking. This is where I’m at and this is where I must start from.

In 3 weeks time I will run the Greenbelt Half Marathon (1 May). Yesterday’s 2 hour training run was a killer and I finished it in pain especially through my glutes and some through my legs. It really was a massive struggle. I emailed my results to Pat and got a reply telling me:

I know this is not what you want to hear but if you get to such a point in a run where it becomes painful/uncomfortable – it’s best to stop. I admire the fact you have the determination and will power to carry on however the risks involved in doing so are just not worth it. You ran well up to 1.30 – continue on when you’re sore can take this 90min capability away from you. 

Listen to your body Magda.

So in the 2 hours I ran about 15.5 kms which is well short of the 21.1km HM distance. I honestly couldnt have done more and I look 3 weeks ahead and wonder how I’ll ever manage the HM distance. To make the matter worse I am nowhere near my goal of running the race at 62 kgs or less. I was 68.4 this morning and it has left me feeling really down and depressed. So much for all my big goals and so-called efforts to lose that weight. All talk and no action … AGAIN.

But the scariest thing is that I’m at that cross-roads again where I’m drawn to say “fuck it” and just let my weight go, feeling defeated and powerless to make a change. On the other hand deep down I know something needs to change and I mean REALLY change. Not just for 5 minutes, not just in my head or in my dreams but in every day life, every day.

More on this tomorrow.