I cant write my holiday story without writing the stuff really close to my heart that I wouldnt normally articulate to regular friends and family. Its personal so I'll put it down here to share with my few blog readers.
I'll start by saying how grateful I am that I had this marvelous opportunity. The experiences were truly unique, enjoyable and memorable. There are hundreds of photos that I havent shared and a lot that I havent written about. It was 23 days, after all.
Yet it really irks me that I had the greatest intentions to go on this holiday feeling fantastic but I did nothing to make that happen. Well, let me rephrase that to 'I did a bit and then nothing, then a bit followed by nothing' which all amounted to basically - nothing.
Leading up to the holiday I kept saying to Peter "I really dont know what I want to buy this time" or "I'm just not sure what I want from the shopping. I cant think of what I need." He laughed this all off thinking that once I was there, I'd go into my usual shopping frenzy but I didnt. Deep down I knew I would struggle with the shopping and in the end I REALLY did.
Packing was a nightmare. We needed clothes for hot weather, smart casual clothes, 3 sets of formal wear, clothes for cold weather, gym gear and beach wear. Lots of the nice clothes I wanted to take failed the try on test and subsequently stayed at home :-( I rarely felt good in my day wear, avoided my swim wear like the plague and the formal nights were rescued only by my secret weapon.
When I tried to shop I wandered around aimlessly and dismissed everything for a myriad of reasons. It was all in the too hard basket and my frame of mind was just screwed. Thank goodness for bags, shoes and jewellery. I attended health and wellbeing seminars run by the personal trainers on the cruise and instead of identifying with the trainers - being lean, fit and healthy - I blended into the general crowd where I didnt want to belong.
I was embarrassed by my body. It made me uncomfortable but even worse it made me sad. Oh I hid it well but deep, deep down I didnt like how I looked and how I felt. All while I was having the dream holiday.
Before leaving I set myself a goal to not gain more than a kilo over the holiday. Well, because I went with some extra weight up front, I was able to minimise my gain and achieved this goal. A small consolation, I guess. I liken it to getting third prize when you were shooting for first.
I'm going to wrap it up here because there is no point in dwelling on the past and what could have been. I just needed to write about this as it bothered me endlessly the whole time we were away. But now that line is in the sand, I can move on and that indeed is my plan. Stay tuned.
:-) m
Oh sweetheart -- do you have any idea how beautiful you are? All the thoughts that are making your sad and uncomfortable are just thoughts ... and they're not true. You look amazing in your photos and I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, you say you can't talk about this to family and friends. I urge you to find someone you CAN talk to. Everything you've tried on your own hasn't brought you happiness, and another 'plan' isn't going to work. You need to sort out why you can't see that you're a vibrant, sexy, attractive woman right now.
Sending you all my love and wishing you a happy birthday.
Katie x
Ditto to what Katie said.
ReplyDeleteIt's the inside that needs work Magda, not the outside!
Although there will be many to urge you on with another plan of attack, I don't believe it's the answer to bring you the peace and happiness you seek and deserve.
Just a reminder, there's always the free first phone call to Vicky and she may be the "someone" you can talk to, openly and honestly, and you'll be amazed at what she can help you uncover about yourself and your beliefs. She's a very special lady!
It's time to set yourself free from this torment Magda.
Sending you love and peace always.
SS xxx
Aw thanks guys, you are both so sweet and kind.
ReplyDeleteIts taken about 49 years (LOL) but after a lot of D & Ms with myself over the last few months, I've finally got it and know where to go with it. As I've said before, you can look everywhere for answers but they'll always be right within you.
This post was about how I felt then. A new chapter starts now.
:-)
I'm really sorry to hear that you felt that way during your holiday Magda - I hope you know that you are gorgeous, both inside and out. I'm glad to hear that you're seeing it now!
ReplyDeleteHilary, thanks for your lovely words. Sometimes its not just the feelings that bring the sadness but the regret of how it could have been. Regardless, its onwards through what I know will be a pivotal year (in a good way!!)
ReplyDelete:-)m
Just wanted to agree with the others, you are gorgeous AND don't you forget it!!
ReplyDeleteI get it, Magda. Yes you are gorgeous, no denying it. But I am at exactly the same place you are. I haven't shopped for clothes in over a year...and the choice of clothes from my own wardrobe is becoming very limited. I actually felt relief that this last Summer was so wet and I didn't have to go to the beach and bare any more than I had to.
ReplyDeleteStill trying to come up with solutions that will work for me. I do know what has worked in the past but I need to put my twist on it. Good luck. I really should plan a weekend in Adelaide, maybe we could come up with our own *Plan* xo
Magda, I totally get how you felt. When I saw you in Perth, - to me you looked gorgeous, fit, healthy, well groomed and come across as nicely articulate :-) And by the sounds of things you were still in the top 10% of fitness regarding those on board with ya in your age group anyway!
ReplyDeleteHowever I will bravely admit to feeling a lil peeved with myself. I have been so on/off/on/off, training relatively well when 'on' but eating such crap and bingeing wildly when 'off'. However when 'on' I don't really want a bar of the sugary less than healthy foods. I did crack down on Saturday to aim for a sugarfree/boozefree/binge free month with ideally not skipping any training sessions,(if I do for a decent reason, that is fine) while my housemate is away, successful so far. I actually signed up for a local 10 week community styled Biggest Loser Challenge, - cheap and all. First weigh in is tonight for us, it must be on Tanita Scales as we will know our BF%, metabolic age etc, we do it weekly. It's a psychological thing, I really hope I'm under 80kg as I haven't seen 80 plus since 2009, - I think it's about 50/50! I wouldn't be surprised if I put on 6-8kg in the last 2 months going by clothes and belly but my scales are on way to NZ, haven't been on any in 2 months! A new type of lethargy regarding things like stair climbing, being on feet all day etc comes about if I go over about 75kg on my frame.
Sorry that turned out long-winded, I think you are a beautiful person!
Michelle, you're very sweet. Thank you :-) xx
ReplyDeleteSandra and Pip, I knew you guys would know just I felt, having met me in person where we've shared our thoughts and feelings.
Sandra, I'm going to email you shortly.
Pip, our struggles have been so similar, I get what you're going through. Just a little advice: be kind to yourself. Make good choices because you're worth it and you deserve to feel good. You'll get there but you gotta enjoy the journey too.
xx m